Boy howdy, what an exciting weekend this was! As per The Post’s longstanding tradition of addressing only the most important campus events, I’ve been asked by my editors to describe the events of High Fest for our loyal readers. There is, of course, one problem with that plan, namely the fact that I didn’t actually attend High Fest and am still not entirely sure what a “fest” is.
But that’s okay! This is what the Internet was invented for, probably. As I am a dedicated journalist and in no way a complete train wreck of a person, I’m proud to tell you that I did no less than .001 hours of strenuous Twitter research to bring you a fully fact-checked and insightful column. Behold the fruits of my labor:
High Fest is a longstanding tradition at Ohio University, having been started by the university’s founder, Kanye West, in 1807. Despite the fact that the fest has been running annually for more than 200 years, attendees consistently report that it was “better last year,” leading some experts to believe that the fest may have sprung some kind of leak. The fest’s name springs both from its location on High Street and from the fact that it is traditionally hosted aboard a helium blimp 700 feet in the air.
High Fest is one of Athens’ most beloved block parties, and the 2013 High Fest was no exception, I bet. While certain columnists were in their apartments quietly eating Saltines and staring at the wall, students and townies alike took to High Street to party, relieve stress and generally have a good time.
“I was expecting it to be a lot crazier than it was, but it was actually pretty low-key,” said Mary Simmons, a fest-goer who I didn’t meet because I was at home marathon-ing Family Matters on Netflix. “I even met this cute writer guy in a cool hat!” she added, except she didn’t. She didn’t say that. Nobody said that.
It wasn’t all fun and games, though: some people got arrested! Apparently things got so wild that the police went around shutting down parties as early as 7 p.m. I heard some sirens in the distance at one point, but then I shut my window, so I didn’t hear them anymore. Then I played Pac-Man for seven hours.
Sources report that the police were mounted on horseback; I rode a horse once when I was nine, but then it looked at me funny and I’ve been scared of them ever since.
High Fest is, of course, only one of several fests that populate the Athens spring fest season. 11Fest, which I’m given to understand takes place on April 13, is a popular music festival, which I probably wouldn’t even enjoy anyway so there’s no point in trying to work up the nerve to go to it! But for a lot of students, High Fest was more than enough to sate their fest appetite.
“I had a really great time. It’s important to be safe and smart but also to cut loose and let off some steam,” said Gregory Markinson, a sophomore studying business who does not suffer from crippling social anxiety that leaves him terrified of large gatherings. “Man, do I feel sorry for the people who missed this one!”
“I’m sorry, are you — are you crying?” Markinson added. “Uh, is this ... Is this still part of the interview?”
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. Send all your complaints to rm287608@ohiou.edu.
