Wow, there are a lot of people in this gym. I was seriously hoping this place would be empty. Is there like, maybe, a private workout stall I can use? Is that a thing? I don’t think that’s a thing.
Whatever, that’s okay, that’s fine! So what if I seem to be the physically smallest person here? I doubt anyone’s even going to notice! They’re way too busy working out and being good-looking to notice me. Just don’t make eye contact and we’ll get through this.
First things first, let’s stretch. Okay. Stretching. That, uh ...
So, it’s been a while since PE class, what are the stretches again? You just kind of stick your arms out like this, right? And just, kind of, like, flap them around, I guess? I think I’m supposed to touch my toes at some point, but what am I, a gymnast? Let’s just ... This doesn’t feel right. People are staring! Was I supposed to stretch at home? Oh God, I’m doing this all wrong!
Focus, McAndrews, focus! You came here for a reason! You are going to get huge! Next time those Girl Scouts try to mess with you, they’re going to be in for a nasty surprise. You’ll show them! You’ll show them all!
Enough stretching! Stretching is for wimps, which you definitely are not. Look at those guys pounding iron over there — you think they stretch before workouts? Hell no, I bet the only thing they do before workouts is guzzle down a liquefied steak and beat up a foreign exchange student. Enough stalling, let’s find the manliest machine available and get cracking!
Elliptical bike? Perfect! No one could possibly make fun of you for riding this! Yeah, there we go, cruising speed! This is great. I am burning carbs and it is amazing. I don’t want to brag, but I’m basically like a Greek god right now. Kneel before my toned leg muscles, mortals, and cower in-
Whoa, hold the phone there — what is this? I appear to be covered in some kind of bizarre moisture. Is there a leak in here or something? I’d better stop just to be on the safe side. Let’s see how much time I did ... 00:12, huh? Twelve whole minutes! I am the Lance Armstrong of elliptical bikes! Nobody can ever say that guy wasn’t a champion!
But enough with the cardio, it’s time for the main event: lifting! I’d better start light. Let’s go with ... 80 pounds. Then I’ll work up to the good stuff. Just lift these weights up, and ...
Hey, what kind of operation are they running here? These weights won’t even lift up! They must be bolted down or something. Fine, I guess I’ll just put 20 on here. Whew!
All right, here we go. Just lift the bar up, and — yep, definitely just crushed my windpipe. Windpipe status: crushed. Don’t panic, just lift the bar up, and ... yeah, that’s not happening. Hey, it’s cool; I bet nobody’s even noticed that you’re suffocating from the barbell on your neck. They’re probably just staring at you because of how unbelievably good you look in your sister’s gym shorts. OH GOD CAN’T BREATHE SOMEONE HELP - yes here comes someone yes please sweet oxygen-
Phew. All right, I definitely didn’t need any help, but I’d better thank the man just to be polite. And then, uh, continue working out and getting cut and …
Oh, who am I kidding? Those gummy bears aren’t going to eat themselves.
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post, when he’s not frantically trying to get into shape before a blind date. Email him at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
