I’ve just started dating a guy I’ve had a huge crush on FOREVER. He graduated, so we’re trying this long distance. Obviously, with only getting to see him about once a month, it’s kind of important that we have sex while he visits. Unfortunately, I’m going to be on my period while he is here this weekend. Having sex on my period is not an option, so how do I tell him without freaking him out?
Satisfy him before he even has enough time to open his mouth.
That’ll keep him from asking questions, that’s for sure. I am pretty sure that is a key persuasion tactic used in Congress (just ask Sen. Larry Craig). Plus, there are a slew of other sexy things the two of you can do together that keeps him away from your downstairs lady department. Buy new toys, warm up your hands with some elbow motion or just be honest.
As women, we are trained to slip tampons down our bras as we run to the bathroom, tampon-string tails tucked between our legs. We take our purses into the bathroom pretending our Coaches suffer from separation anxiety. Getting a tampon into the ladies’ bathroom is a job conquered only by the CIA, Mission Impossible-style. If only we were better at climbing through air ducts: Our lesbian gym teachers have failed us, period.
Remember when we were still knobby-kneed and 13 and had to take industrial-sized pads into the bathroom? Now that was a challenge.
But come on! Girls have periods, and thank Buddha because at our age, it is a huge relief to know you are in “Periodtown” instead of baby bound and down.
Men are clueless. I have the perfect nerdy example of this: In Tina Fey’s Bossypants, she tells a story about a Saturday Night Live skit that got cut only because the male writers had no clue how sanitary napkins (pads, boys, those are pads) work. The skit had her and Amy Pohler wearing ginormous lady pads sticking out of their pants while doing everyday activities such as playing tennis and twirling in fields of fresh-scented flowers — of course, like in all great tampon commercials. The boys, though, thought there would be blood and nudity involved.
So just shoot him one quick feet-shuffling, eye-contact avoiding, “Oh you know, honey, it’s that time.” Make sure to dramatically trail off your voice and then open your eyes all wide and ominous for added effect. That will shut him up faster than the blowjob. Boys get squeamish about blood and gore (they totally fake loving horror movies more than girls fake orgasms), but they are also as loving and forgiving as puppy dogs. Not to demean you, boys, but often the sweetest, sexiest thing a guy can do is innocently wrap his arms around you and say, “OK.”
You can avoid scheduling conflicts next time by avoiding your period entirely and moving onto your next birth control pack and skipping sugar pill week, but beware of mood-swinging, storm-inducing hormones.
Whether you see him everyday or once a month, it’s nice to know there’s more than sex holding things together. Not every couple is so lucky.
Steph Doan is a senior studying journalism. Have questions about things “down there?” Shoot her an email at thebedpostpeople@gmail.com.
