ust as the sun rises and sets with the passing of the days, so too does Donald Trump seem to rise and fall in media attention. (Also like the sun, he is extremely bright-colored and radiates a large amount of hot air.)
Recently, Trump has resurfaced in fame after the discovery of a ’91 pamphlet mistakenly claiming that President Barack Obama was born in Kenya.
Obama’s opponent in the upcoming 2012 election, Mitt Romney, has neither refuted nor supported those claims.
Why, one might ask, is Romney so quiet on the issue? Is it that he’s ashamed of himself for siding with someone like Trump, but knows he needs the media and financial support that Trump provides? Or is it for more sinister reasons altogether?
Deep down, America, I think you know the truth. Mitt Romney wasn’t born in this country. Or this planet.
You heard it here first, folks. I have in my hands irrefutable evidence that Mitt Romney is in fact an illegal alien in every sense of the word. This comprehensive 1947 birth certificate, which I obtained through legitimate means and definitely did not just scribble on a sheet of loose-leaf, states that he was born in the Zapulon Nebula, approximately 13 million light-years away from Earth and, more importantly, America.
His birth name was Zzszcltr’skt P59400, which translates to “Mitt Romney” in our simple human tongue. When the society of Zapulon was collapsing because of the influx of illegal immigrants and legalization of gay marriage, Zzszcltr’skt was sent to Earth to conquer its peoples and restore the glory of the Zapulon Empire. (That is, incidentally, the plot of my science-fiction novel, if any publishers are reading.)
Putting aside the fact that Romney’s face is clearly a leather bag used to conceal the chitinous mandibles beneath, there are plenty of factors we can examine to prove Romney’s alienhood.
Take a look at his past: his now-infamous “dog on the car roof” story, or the recently emerged tale of how Romney and his friends chased down a fellow student and forcibly cut his hair while he struggled. Presumably, he was later devoured.
Some of you might say that I’m just using this obviously fake story to detract attention away from Mitt’s politics and try to demonize him as some strange “other” who’s “out of touch with real America.”
To which I say that, when you’re slaving away in the salt mines of Xagobah IV after the invasion, you’ll wish you had asked the tough questions.
So there you have it, folks. I’m certainly not against extraterrestrials, but I just don’t think I’m comfortable electing one to the highest office in America.
Unless Mitt Romney can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was not in fact born the scion of an alien empire, I don’t think we can truly call him president.
Also, his first name is actually Willard. His middle name is Mitt. Look me in the eyes and tell me he’s human. Go on, I dare you.
Ryan McAndrews is a junior studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. Is Ryan from Zapulon, too? Email him at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
