Virginity. The word itself elicits a different reaction from almost everyone. Virginity can be either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who you’re speaking to. I personally hate the attitudes around virginity, and I’ve come to despise how the looming cloud of virginity has followed me throughout my life.
The societal standard is to lose your virginity before you hit 18. All throughout high school my friends would tell me all about their sexual escapades and I just nodded along. I thought, sure I’m gonna lose my virginity eventually right? Definitely before high school graduation. Then I graduated. Then I got into college. I turn 20 soon and I have not yet lost my virginity.
There’s something almost isolating about being a virgin later in life because I feel like I’ve missed out on an important milestone. It feels like I hit the skip button on a scene that was important to my development. I tried to tell myself that it would happen in due time and that there was nothing weird about not having sex. However, a part of me can’t help but feel like I did something wrong.
When I tell people I’m a virgin, they automatically assume I’m a prude or very religious and saving myself for marriage, but neither of those things is true. It just hasn’t happened yet. I never actively sought out a relationship; the thought of it always intimidated me. When I was younger, I would dream that one day the right person would just waltz into my life, sweep me off my feet and the rest would fall into place, but that never happened.
I would discuss this with some of my friends and they would just reassure me and tell me I’m “making the right decision.” That they “wish they would’ve waited.” I always roll my eyes at that. It’s easy for them to say that when they have already had the experience. In many people's eyes, I’m doing the right thing by waiting. I just never thought that way.
We’ve all heard the concept that virginity is a social construct. I agree with that, but it still has a prominent role in today’s society whether we want to admit it or not. I struggle with the concept of being so inexperienced. When will my lack of sexual experience become unappealing? I’m not going to be a teenager for much longer and the thought of simple teenage naivete is more appealing than an adult not having experiences they “should’ve” had during their youth. These thoughts have plagued my brain for as long as I can remember.
I’ve struggled with this for so long and I know a lot of you reading have, too. It can be extremely isolating and confusing. For people who have not experienced this, they might think it’s a silly thing to worry about, but it’s not. Navigating a world that is very sex-driven when you lack the experience is honestly terrifying. Despite everything, I can say that I have some advice for people who are in the same place as me.
First, realize that this is your life and there’s no set pace you have to follow. Do what feels right. If you want to wait, then wait. If it just hasn’t happened yet, don’t sweat it either. I’ve experienced a lot of shame and confusion because I thought I had to adhere to society's timeline of when to lose my virginity. Just remember all that matters is how you want to approach it, do what makes you feel the most comfortable. At the end of the day, you are living your life and what others say shouldn’t matter.
It’s not an easy process to bypass societal standards. It’s going to take a while to fully accept yourself and your personal journey, but once you do so, you’ll feel so much better. I still struggle with the prospect sometimes, but I try to remind myself that while I might be taking a different route, it’s still mine and I should be proud of the decisions I make. Virginity isn’t a race. You’re not going to get a big golden trophy if you reach it faster than someone else, this is your life—do what makes you comfortable!
BedPost is a sex and relationship column that does not reflect the views of The Post.
