The British used to be really messed-up people.
I mean absolutely no offense to British people. I love British people. After all, my charming chemistry teacher is British — how could I ever dare to insult him when he has vats upon vats of hydrochloric acid on hand?
But one must admit, the British had more than a few odd traditions.
For the strangest qualities of British culture, we need to look no further than the Victorian Era of the late 1800s.
Nowadays, spring break brings an abundance of beach bunnies waltzing around with sparse (if any) clothing.
But during the Victorian era, it was considered scandalous for women to show their ankles, much less any other revealing bits. Women were required to wear long skirts, while men were forbidden to look anywhere near women’s feet, lest they accidentally glimpse exposed skin.
But those Victorian gentlemen found their way around the problem. They invented the now-popularized garden ornament, the gazing ball.
The first gazing balls were placed in Victorian-era gardens. Men would pretend to be admiring the gazing balls, but, in actuality, were taking their time studying women’s ankles.
Gasp! Ankle-peeking! What pervs.
While men were discouraged from displaying interest for women, women were encouraged to come close to killing themselves to attract interest from men.
During the time period, skinny waists were considered signs of elegance. The more Barbie-like your waist, the sexier you were. Thus, Victorian-era women went to immense lengths to make their corsets as tight as possible — even going as far as removing their own ribs.
That’s right. One of the most popular surgical operations of the day was the removal of the bottom two ribs for young ladies. By cutting out the bottom two ribs, women could remove a few more precious inches of waist thickness, all for “cutting-edge” British style.
The madness didn’t stop there. In fact, British craziness extended to the deathbed.
During the Victorian era, it was customary to hang up pictures of departed loved ones in the parlor.
The problem was that since photographs were expensive, people often did not have the opportunity to take photos of their family members before they passed away.
Once family members did pass away, however, people would buy memento mori photos, in which they posed with the dead bodies. The dead bodies were oftentimes supported by metal racks and specially posed by the photographer.
Makes you reconsider those black-and-white photos in history textbooks, doesn’t it?
Personally, I would like to point out that the famous Emily Dickinson daguerreotype hanging in every English teacher’s classroom is probably a memento mori photo. Seriously, look at Dickinson’s expression. It’s frightening. And if you don’t know who I’m talking about, Google her name and you’ll see what I mean.
But that’s beside the point.
British silliness continues to be immortalized. Take, for example, the prestigious worm-charming world tournaments held in Cheshire, United Kingdom every year.
Worm charming is a term referring to a competitive sport in which each competitor is assigned a three-yard by three-yard plot of land and is then given a certain amount of time to play music that lures worms up from underground.
The music causes vibrations in the soil, which push the worms up to the surface of the plot of land. The winner is the competitor who catches the most worms in the specified time period.
If there’s anyone who can make a sport out of this, it’s the British. There’s even an entire organization, imaginatively named the British Association of Worm Length Supporters, which keeps track of records for each competition.
According to BAWLS, the record for worm charming goes to a 10-year-old girl named Sophie Smith, who coaxed a total of 567 worms out during the 2009 World Championship.
However, as much as I would love to laugh at the British worm-charming tradition, I must grudgingly admit that Americans are not too much better off.
The United States has its own version of worm charming, called “worm gruntin’.”
The town of Sopchoppy, Fla., has claimed the title of “Worm Gruntin’ Capital of the World” and hosts a “Worm Gruntin’ Festival” that crowns a “Worm Gruntin’ King and Queen” every year.
And here I was, thinking that the retired old people of the Sunshine State would have a bit more sense than the British.
Kevin Hwang is a senior at Athens High School taking classes at Ohio University. Are you an anglophile? Email him at kh319910@ohiou.edu.
