If the presidential campaign were a sport (which it practically is anyway), then Election Day would be the Super Bowl. Or the World Series. Or whatever the last game in basketball is called.
Tonight the Red Team and the Blue Team face off once and for all, bringing to a close a season of bitter rivalries, close calls, embarrassing fouls and a few stellar plays. Tomorrow, one team will emerge a winner, and the other will retreat to the locker rooms — or the campaign offices — and admit defeat.
It is time to take a look back at the 2012 presidential campaign the best way I know how: by using mixed sports metaphors that may or may not be accurate or make any contextual sense.
For the Blue Team:
Most Valuable Player: Bill Clinton. The Democratic Party’s favorite silver fox gave a rousing speech in support of President Barack Obama at the Democratic National Convention, which reminded the party and the public what a great little mascot he is for the Democrats. The camera loves him, and so do the voters.
Best Play: Letting the Republican Party soak up all the bad press. Remember the kooky cast of characters from the playoffs — I mean, primaries? Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry and Herman Cain might be out of the picture now, but the president’s chances of re-election were never higher than when the Republican circus show was on the road, hogging the spotlight and unintentionally racking up brownie points for the Democrats.
Biggest Fumble: Scheduling the first debate during Obama’s nap time. That’s what happened, right? Why else would the president droop his head for an hour and miss out on golden opportunities to lambast his opponent? He must have just been sleepy.
For the Red Team:
Most Valuable Player: Paul Ryan. The dashing young Wisconsin representative’s budget plan earned him a spot on the Republican ticket, and his economic savvy made him a valuable asset to former Gov. Mitt Romney. His addition to the trail was a popular conversation-changer in the press and brought a much-needed fresh face to the campaign. Nice deal for a rookie.
Best Play: Keeping former President George W. Bush and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin tucked away from the public eye. There were no campaign stops, endorsements, ads or interviews with those distracting figureheads to clog up the media circuit, and the path to November for the Republicans was smoother because of it. I don’t know which hiding spot the party chose to stick them in, but apparently it worked pretty well.
Biggest Fumble: Allowing Romney’s meme-machine mouth to run rampant. Everything that guy said ended up sounding so absurd even the Internet couldn’t handle it. The 47 percent? Big Bird? Binders? Never have a politician’s blunders been so hashtag-friendly. Throughout the entire campaign, Romney had everyone in stitches. Unfortunately for the presidential hopeful, no one was laughing with him.
As the season wraps up and Obama does sit-ups in the Oval Office while Romney smears on his eyeblack in preparation for the big showdown, at least we can all breathe a sigh of relief that the commercials, the rhetoric and the ridiculousness can finally rest. The campaign cheerleaders can put away their political pom-poms, and for the next four years, we can all pretend that we root for the same team.
Regardless of whether you’re sporting red or blue at the moment, be glad there is only one more day of election madness, and then it is game over.
Haylee Pearl is a sophomore studying journalism, a novice sports viewer and a copy editor for The Post. Do politics seem like a game to you? Email her about it at hp208310@ohiou.edu.
