Hello, students! Are you tired of shelling out six bucks of your (parents’) hard-earned cash just to get a meal from the dining hall?
Are you sick of that creepy kid always staring at you from across the floor while he rubs two butter knives together?
Are you, like me, afraid that every time they swipe your ID, a tiny piece of your soul is swiped as well?
Well, fear no more!
I’ve been living in an apartment for a year now, and after my disfiguring burn scars from the stove had faded, I found cooking for myself to be an enjoyable and rewarding experience. For those of you living on your own, you don’t have to order Insomnia Cookies for dinner every night. Instead, wow your friends with your culinary prowess and mastery of fine cuisine.
Of course, this is a college student’s budget we’re talking about, so we may have to substitute some ingredients with cheaper alternatives.
No matter. Allow me to fill your minds with tasty knowledge as I teach you my world-famous, budget-friendly recipe for Chicken Grigio.
Ingredients: 4 boneless chicken breasts, a tablespoon of olive oil, 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, 4 large eggs — wait, we can only afford 2? Okay, 2 eggs then. A cup of flour, and one-half cup of dry white wine... wait, a bottle of wine is how much? Are you kidding? Okay, uh, what can we afford?
Pabst Blue Ribbon? Fine, whatever. It’ll do.
A quarter cup of chopped parsley... yes, the parsley is necessary, it’s for appearances, you uncultured swine. I know it doesn’t have much of a taste, but it... okay, you know what, forget the freaking parsley, if you’re going to be like that. Why don’t we just start cooking?
Step 1: Coat your nonstick pan with the tablespoon of olive oil. Set to medium heat.
Step 2: Carefully coat the chicken breasts evenly with a coat of flour and...oh, crap, you’re getting it everywhere. We’re not even through step 1 and you’re already making a mess. Just… just leave it. Leave it, we’ll clean it up later.
Step 3: Crack open the eggs and mix the yolk with water to create an egg wash. What are you… you squeezed the egg too hard, numbskull! What did you think you were holding, a stress ball? Okay, fine, skip the egg wash. Fine. Great.
Step 4: Check on your pan — oh crap! How much olive oil did you use!? I said a tablespoon, not — crap, crap, grab the extinguisher!
Step 5: Wait a couple of hours for the fire alarm to stop, and then sheepishly explain to your angry neighbors that you have no idea what happened.
Step 6: Get the pan oiled again with the right amount. Lay the chicken breasts down, let simmer for 15 minutes. What are you looking at? No. The Pabst is to cook with, remember?
Step 7: Do not drink the Pabst Blue Ribbon. Seriously, don’t.
Step 8: Stop drinking the Pabst Blue Ribbon. I mean it.
Step 9: Okay, fine, I guess we’re just eating plain chicken breasts tonight. Hey, does that smell like burning to you? How long did you leave those breasts cooking?
Step 10: Wait for the smoke alarm to stop, place blame on your roommate, and quickly rappel out the window.
Step 11: Go to Shively Dining Hall.
Step 12: Beg your friends to swipe you in.
And there you have it! In just 12 easy steps, you too can create a delicious meal on an affordable budget. Keep an eye out for my next recipe, Boyd Hall soup!
Also, hey, you don’t have any swipes left, do you? Just curious.
Ryan McAndrews is a junior studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. Swipe him in at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
