Sarcastic Scoop: Attorney General Jeff Sessions tells senate 'Advil is the new crack-cocaine'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After his controversial statements comparing marijuana to heroin, Attorney General Jeff Sessions continued his rampage against drugs, stating that Advil, the brand name of the drug ibuprofen, is on the same level as crack-cocaine.

“You know what kids are doing these days?” Sessions explained. “This painkiller — well, let’s just say it causes pain and it’s a killer. They start with the regular dose, and next thing you know, they’re snorting it, smoking it and shoving it god knows where.”

Sessions has told Senate that he plans to propose a bill outlawing Advil completely.

“You know what, Pfizer Consumer Products, the company that owns Advil, didn’t give me less money than Johnson & Johnson, who makes Tylenol,” Sessions said. “I think this says a lot about who they are as a company. Companies who don’t donate to help the political process are much more likely to be selling drugs that need to be illegal. At least, that’s my view on it.”

An anonymous senator was asked his thoughts on the bill.

“I sure hope it doesn’t pass,” the senator told our sources. “I’m gonna need an Advil if I have to hear Jeff’s voice again.”