Disclaimer: This is not a personal account, I assure you, I just have this friend, see, who recently moved to Columbus. His name is Guy — Guy ‘Shades’ Patterson, stepbrother of George Glass. He sent me some tips about someday leaving the college life and entering the real world, so I figured I’d share them.
— Don’t underestimate the importance of window shades and drapes. They can be a powerful tool for both privacy and insulation purposes if used properly. In fact, they’re tools you can spend your whole live undervaluing until you get to a place that features a wall of glass sliding doors and end up spending a week freezing your royal Rastafarian nay-nays off trying to get dressed in the morning (before the sun rises, of course).
— As you gather the street cred necessary to become one of the part-time controllers of the channel changer, learn to enjoy the following programs just in case: Jackie Chan Adventures, Nadia G’s Bitchin’ Kitchen and Call of the Wildman.
— If exposed to a heavy dose of the latter, resist the urge to use the phrase “live action” in everyday conversation, but do try it once.
— Listening to “Growin’ Up” by Bruce Springsteen will, without a doubt, prepare you on its own for life in the real world. That is unless you pair it with a viewing of Toy Story 3. Then things just get weird and emotional.
— Do not try the Toy Story 3 thing second and expect it to yield different results.
— Public transportation can whomp sometimes.
— Know how to effectively iron your dress shirts and khakis.
— Vegetables are awesome. Not quite as awesome as knowing how to effectively iron your dress shirts and khaki pants, but definitely more awesome than public transportation, which can whomp. Also, full servings of them via Campbell’s Chunky Soup are hereby demoted to public-transportation status.
— If you are subjected to public transportation and the bus is late, do not panic and begin to walk. Also, do not converse with hobos who insist things such as, “America is the powerful-est.” In addition, don’t pretend to be cool by not looking back when exiting the encounter with this hobo. Furthermore, immediately research whether or not people still use the term “hobo.”
— Mind your manners, and if you think you’re being rude, listen to the Say Anything song “Admit It!” If any of what Max Bemis says describes you, you have some priorities to reorganize.
— Remember to call your mom.
Guy finished by saying life in the real world is incredibly humbling. Everybody learns the hard way. Use firm handshakes, work diligently and be willing to exit your comfort zone. Everybody was in your shoes at one point. He told me he was actually pretty surprised how warm and totally accepting people were.
Pat Holmes is a junior studying journalism and local news editor of The Post. Do you have any real-world tips for him? Send your guidance to ph835608@ohiou.edu.
