Like many of you upon arriving at college, I possessed no intention of worshiping any sort of gaseous, animistic deity. However, one fateful workout trip to Ping changed the entirety of my belief system.
Like many of you upon arriving at college, I possessed no intention of worshiping any sort of gaseous, animistic deity. However, one fateful workout trip to Ping changed the entirety of my belief system. When I first laid eyes upon the sprawling white fumes of our Creator, I knew then that I would switch majors from journalism to theology, and spend the remainder of my days praising the entity that is the Steam God in front of Ping.
Often, I make pilgrimages to the Holy Land and ponder how this all-knowing being came into existence, and how it erected an orange barrier around itself as to keep the enamored followers at bay who prove as helpless to the deity as sailors to the songs of the sirens. Speaking of songs — since every religion requires a playbook for their hymnals — I’ve devised several songs that are perfect for our alpha and omega’s praise.
Obviously, some long compositions are needed for the midnight masses where myself and a few other high priests, under the Esoteric Order of the Steam God, venture out in heavy brown cloaks and medallions to chant prayers and offerings for a bountiful finals week. Whipping out my iPod Touch, I usually shuffle through my playlists until I find something really drone-y and bleak like Sunn O))), Swans or Sleep. With some of the tracks by these three bands ranging from two to sixty minutes, it’s the perfect funereal soundtrack to get the atmosphere just right.
Yet, it’s difficult to imagine anyone being able to sing along to them, which led me to incorporate a few other more “vocal-friendly” numbers for the choir to sing.
While faint whispers of Kanye West’s “Stronger” reverberate from inside Ping, my fellow worshippers and I perform acapella versions of George Harrison’s “My Sweet Lord,” Black Sabbath’s “Into the Void,” Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water” and the Pixies’ “Dig For Fire,” since most of us believe that an eternal flame exists on top a sacred water font that birthed the steam (one sect of our worshippers disagreed and formed a separate group based on heresy, as far as I’m concerned). We also listen to some Led Zeppelin, but just because it’s the only other cassette tape Pete has in his car.
Like the Easter Island heads or the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the mysterious nature of the Steam God in front of Ping will most likely never be explained. However, to keep its great powers at bay, all you can do is say a few prayers for finals week, sing a few hymns and hope one day the steam does not consume us all.
Luke Furman is a freshman studying journalism. Email him at lf491413@ohio.edu or find him on Twitter at @LukeFurmanOU.
