I generally don’t make a habit out of habitually checking the ol’ Facebook. If I wanted near-constant updates about what my friends were up to at any given moment, I would get myself some friends, am I right? Ha! Ha! Related question: Does anyone want to hang out on Friday? Or Saturday. I’m flexible. (Ladies.)
Speaking of not getting laid: Fox News. The other day, my weekly Facebook login revealed a Fox News opinion piece circulating my friends list, accompanied in each case by comments from my friends saying how horrible it was. Naturally, when someone tells me a piece of writing is awful, I immediately read it, which incidentally is why I’ll be the only person in America going to see Breaking Dawn: Part 2 this weekend. It’s also the reason why I had to miss the last three months of seventh grade after my history teacher found that copy of Mein Kampf in my locker. (Again, Mr. Weinstein, I am really sorry about that.)
Before even reading the column, I was inclined to defend its author from the slings and arrows of those jerkholes I call Facebook friends. I know what it’s like to not have a piece go over well with readers, so I was very sympathetic to the author, and then I actually read the column, so that kind of took care of the whole sympathy thing pretty much immediately.
The column, if you haven’t seen it, is titled “The War On Men,” which personally I found to be a ridiculous notion in itself. I’m not sexist, either: Some of my best friends are men! Ha ha, but seriously. I don’t have friends.
Given a title like that, you’d be forgiven for assuming that the column’s author was yet another Men’s Rights Activist freshly spawned from the deepest pits of Reddit, but you would actually be wrong! For once, someone wrote something horribly offensive, and Reddit wasn’t involved. (I know, right?)
The column’s author is in fact one Suzanne Venker: blogger, critic, and the author of three books detailing the damages caused by the feminist movement. I assume all that bra smoke had a terrible effect on the ozone layer, because otherwise I’m not sure what damages she means. I also assume that at some point in those books Venker addresses the fact that she wouldn’t be getting books published at all if it weren’t for the feminist movement, because if not, I mean, damn.
I’m not going to delve into every detail of the column, since it’s freely available online, and lord knows Fox News needs the traffic! We all need to do our part to help small businesses, guys. However, I will highlight a few of my favorite gems from the column, which will hopefully inoculate you to the stupidity of the entire thing:
“Armed with this new [feminist] attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. Now the men have nowhere to go.”
God. Remember the good old days, guys? The pedestal days? There was this awesome draft, and we could totally see our houses from there, but then those damnable feminists came and pushed us off. I’m pretty sure we broke a few toes in the fall, but did those pox-ridden jezebels care? No, they were too busy voting and having careers. Now we’re stuck as second-class citizens in America, and also our toes hurt like hell. Welcome to Obama’s America, man.
“But what if the dearth of good men, and ongoing battle of the sexes, is — hold on to your seats — women’s fault?”
It isn’t! It actually isn’t. So, we can move on now.
“Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families — it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.”
See, ladies? We didn’t spend centuries denying you basic adult rights because we wanted to; our DNA made us! We’re programmed to want to love you! And everybody knows you can’t love someone who’s independent and career-motivated — that’s why Don Draper is such an unpopular character!
“Feminism serves men very well: They can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever.”
Wait, what? I was not aware of this. It’s really that easy? Can we go over that part again, like a dozen more times?
“Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature — their femininity — and let men surrender to theirs.”
I think I had it wrong this whole time, guys — this isn’t a political piece, it’s a rough draft for Venker’s Twilight fanfic. Looks like I won’t be the only one seeing Breaking Dawn this weekend after all!
Ryan McAndrews is a senior journalism “student” at Ohio University, a confessed Twi-hard and a columnist for The Post. Send him your sexist critiques at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
