Here's the thing
Here's the thing about talk show host Jerry Springer's potential run for state senate in the next election -- if he wins more than 4 percent of the vote, I will move out of Ohio.
I am not joking; I will not live in a state where a man can sell me politics for my family during the early parts of the day, and then warm my heart with the story of two 500-pound lesbian twins who are both in love with a 114-pound truck driver (who happens to be their cousin) on afternoon television. This man is not a politician; he is a pop culture pimp. He stands on the street corner selling his television popularity to anyone who has the right to vote and a small brain. Please do not be fooled by the façade.
Story time boys and girls, gather around for today's lesson. When I was in 7th grade I went to Australia with a group of kids from Michigan. I asked them what it was like to live in a state filled with Wolverines and Spartans, since that was all I knew about their state. They returned my questions with mortifying questions about what it was like to live in a state full of cows. What's the point? People don't know very much about other states' cultures, and the littlest thing can affect the way they think of it forever.
Now I don't mind being considered a cow state, but would you like to be the Jerry Springer state? You don't think it can happen? Just think of Minnesota politics. Are the words Jesse "The Body" Ventura running through your mind? And Jesse Ventura is not as bad as our friend Mr. Springer. Yes, he was a pro wrestler, but at least he admits his sport is just entertainment. Springer's show, however, spent years denying that its plot lines are fake. No, really Jerry, we believe you -- everyone knows a pregnant nun who wants to prove that the father of her baby is a Jewish butcher.
While we're talking about Springer's honesty, let's take a look at his last stake in politics. Yes, the man was a Mayor in Cincinnati, proudly elected by Cincinnatians just a short while after he was dismissed from a city council position for writing a check to a prostitute. The guy's starting to make Jesse Ventura sound pretty good, isn't he? At least if Jesse would have bought a prostitute we know the check would have gone through -- professional wrestlers are known for their financial responsibility.
So here's the final thing. I am not here to pick on Jerry Springer and his television show. Let he who has not watched one little, almost nude fight on the Springer show throw the first remote control. But, just because the guy has found a genius way to sell television (using sex, fighting and people yelling -- how did he think of that?) doesn't mean he can sell us politics.
As a senator, the smut that this guy could push would be just too much. He already blew his chance when he bounced a check. If the guy can produce what he does on a daytime television budget, imagine what he could do with the state of Ohio budget. He could purchase top dollar toothless prostitutes, film their actions with his camera crew -- spending your tax dollars on the Motel 8 room they do it in. All the while, folks around the nation will be chanting, "Jerry, Jerry, Ohio!"
-- Cottrill is a junior English major who plans to vote for Jerry Springer. Send him an e-mail at michael.cottrill@ohiou.edu
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Mike Cottrill
