As I consider eating to be a great American pastime, I realized that I have mentioned it here and there already.
But the numerous experiences I have had compelled me to include campus eating habits as an official sign on my sacred list of Ten Signs I Knew I Was Now in College (or whatever everyone’s calling it these days).
Why?
Because we all know the Freshman 15 wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for all-you-can-eat dining halls and a promise that your food is sealed to perfection in a fresh coat of hot oil.
So upperclassmen who now live off campus, it’s time to take you back. For the rest of you who are still camping out in line for wok at Jeff Hall, enjoy.
Let me start by talking about the place that contributes most to my daily intake — Shively Court. Don’t let the renovated café chic fool you. Actually, do let it fool you. I’m pretty sure it’s so fancy that they should start making reservations.
So after you’ve waited in line, you have to stake out a table. This involves placing each member of your party in a different section of the room with a walkie-talkie, and once someone notices a group departing the table, you jump on it like a mom at Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve.
“That Furby is mine, back off!”
After that’s done, it’s time to eat — and, oh, do I mean eat. One of the biggest oddities I noticed about dining on campus is that we all abandon any concept of matching foods that go together.
“Hmm. OK, I’d like some beef brisket, a piece of tilapia, some nachos, and, let’s see, what would go good with all that?”
Oh right, Fruit Loops.
What I enjoy most is watching those guys who are absolute eating champions.
The odd part is they are often skinny as a rail.
Let’s see, I’ll take 65 chicken wings, three pieces of pizza and a taco salad. The great thing is the whole “only take what you can eat” lesson that our parents taught us is usually not violated in these situations.
Don’t forget dessert — in particular ice cream, where there’s always that one person who serves it to you as if you were pregnant with sextuplets.
No, that’s fine. My diet doesn’t start until tomorrow.
Let me skip over to Grab N Go, where your food is actually limited. Now, to give Ohio University credit, we are an extremely vegan-friendly campus that offers plenty of alternative, healthful options.
Unfortunately, offering plenty of fruit and veggies only helps those of us with self-control. Are you really going to make me pick between a cookie and an apple?
Decisions, decisions — well, that apple is low in calories and it will keep the doctor away.
Wait a minute; I enjoy my doctor’s company. Ah hell, give me the cookie.
Don’t forget that wok I mentioned earlier. The only thing that keeps me from downing those delicious, greasy noodles is the line that, no matter what time you go, is always long.
But hey, I got time right?
And while I’m waiting, I can grab some side dishes. Somehow, I always end up with something such as mozzarella sticks, cheese-filled breadsticks and cheese-covered chicken.
Don’t judge. I have low calcium levels. And calm down, I love salad.
It makes a great cover-up, and if you play your cards right, it’s a perfect vehicle for cheese.
Mmm … cheese.
I was totally kidding, right?
Jackie Runion is a sophomore studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. Email her your favorite cheese-doused foods at jr178409@ohiou.edu
