Dear Mr. McAndrews,
Thank you for submitting your script, Hickory Dickory Death, for consideration at Universal Studios. We are delighted to inform you that after reviewing your submission, we’ve decided to adapt your script into a feature-length Hollywood film. We feel that the recent success of fairy-tale-based action thrillers means your script has a decent chance of being a box office smash!
As a side note, while we are always thrilled when young writers follow up on submissions, we must politely request that you cease calling our offices daily and demanding “payment in the form of Spicy-Sweet Chili Doritos.” We are also legally obligated to inform you that kidnapping our secretaries and holding them hostage “until I get what’s mine” is a federal offense; Mr. Meeks has a family, and we’re sure he would appreciate it if you let him out of your cellar.
Per our usual policy regarding submissions, we have attached some editing notes from our punch-up team. Please review the following points and contact us within 30 days so that we can discuss royalty payments and the safe release of Jonathan Meeks, preferably alive (we are open to negotiation in both matters).
-Under current MPAA guidelines, the highest rating a movie can receive is NC-17; the rating category “quadruple-X” does not actually exist. We’d prefer to shoot for a PG-13 rating, so please rewrite all 23 scenes featuring nudity, cursing or decapitations (except where tasteful).
-The scene in which Little Red Riding Hood katana-duels Adolf Hitler atop an active volcano contains some historical inaccuracies.
-While we agree that Megan Fox is an excellent choice for the role of Mother Goose, she is currently unavailable due to casting conflicts with Transformers 5: Revenge of the Dark Vengeance. Consider potential recasts; we’re thinking either Jennifer Lawrence or Andy Serkis in CGI and full makeup.
-However, we are delighted to note that per your request Eddie Murphy has agreed to sign on for the role of Rumpelstiltskin’s pet hamster “Rumpy” after a 45-minute session of quiet weeping.
-The scene in which the Big Bad Wolf is revealed to be the leader of Al-Qaeda does not fit with the previous established narrative — if he truly wants to “gobble up American jobs,” why did he save President Obama’s life during the alien fleet’s attack on the White House?
-We obviously cannot emphasize enough the importance of appealing to the young male demographic, but we also feel that spending three minutes of camera time focused on the Little Mermaid’s “fine fish booty” is a bit superfluous.
-The scene in which Humpty Dumpty is released from prison appears to have been plagiarized word-for-word from American History X.
-During the Eiffel Tower scene, the latter half of Rumpy’s love confession to Mother Goose has been rendered illegible by what appears to be a mixture of Doritos fingerprints and tear stains. Please send in the rest of the speech ASAP.
Please review these notes and submit a revised version of the script to our offices in Los Angeles. Thank you again for your submission, and we look forward to hearing from you!
Sincerely,
Universal Pictures Studios
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. Would you see Hickory Dickory Death? Email Ryan at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
