Kristin and Ian try to help a reader who is concerned about his partner's waning sex drive.
Dear bedpost,
My girlfriend’s sex drive is totally gone. I’ve tried talking about it to her to see if she wants to get help but she just says she has no interest in sex anymore. I still love her but problem is, I do want sex. Badly. What do I do?
Dear reader,
When looking for a potential partner, many of us have some traits we look for — I go crazy for anyone … But, sex drive is just something that is not usually something you think about or discuss when you first start dating someone — especially because at the beginning of a relationship you’re most likely screwing like the proverbial rabbits.
Whether it’s for medical reasons, personal reasons, being distracted by The Mindy Project or a combo of all of these, some people just aren’t into sex as much as other people. And as much as I love to preach that no one should coerce sex out of another person (which you still shouldn’t by the way!), there’s no doubt that sex can be an important part of a healthy relationship for many people.
First of all, make sure that your girlfriend does not want to get help (which it sounds like you’ve done). For many people, a low sex drive can signal depression, anxiety issues or other physical health issues. But for some people, they can just get their fill of boning and then take it or leave it. It’s that simple.
Unfortunately, there is no cut and dry answer for this. It’s kind of like the hierarchy of needs, which can be different for a lot of people. Personally, sex trumps most things for me, I guess aside from shelter and burritos, but for some people it’s just not on their radar. If you truly feel you need a healthy sex life to be fulfilled and happy in this relationship, you’re not a bad person for acting on these needs with communication, whether that be watching porn, opening up the relationship or ending it.
Kristin Salaky is a senior studying journalism and a slot editor at The Post.
No one likes being told they might need to go get help, but I think you were right to suggest this route, as a libido drop off of this totality isn’t very normal. Everything presented here being at face value, my non-medically trained self would lean toward this being a medical or psychological problem.
In case you or readers are uninformed on the subject, there are asexual people. These are folks who feel no sexual attraction to anyone at all, a trait it seems your girlfriend is showing as of late. Much like with most other sexual orientations, however, this doesn’t tend to just come out of nowhere sometime in early adulthood. Thus my concern for this girl’s well-being.
There is, of course, the ever-present possibility that this submission’s face-value is false.
Reader, your girlfriend could be lying in order to try to send some sort of message. This is a major problem in its own right, one that calls into question the health of your relationship rather than either involved party.
The end of my column is for your girlfriend, reader. If you aren’t telling the truth, do so. Communication is important in every relationship.
If you have actually lost your previously-present sex drive and no longer have any desire for any romantic contact, see a doctor and/or a psychiatrist. It could be an indication of a larger problem that probably needs addressed.
Let me put it this way: If this sudden loss of libido happened to me, I wouldn’t be writing this column. I’d be in a doctor’s office waiting room or scheduling an appointment on the third floor of Hudson.
Ian Ording is a senior studying journalism and Copy Chief of The Post.
