I’m sick.
As I write this, I’m coughin’ like Biggie at the end of “Gimme the Loot.” I can barely swallow, breathe or even think and I skipped all my classes today but one, which happened to be an exam that I have a really terrible feeling about (sorry, Aimee Edmondson).
This ain’t the way to live, kids. Sickliness is not happiness. I’m about to go WebMD up in here, because it’s cold season (Is that even true? Whatever. It is now.). I’ve been hearing a lot of sniffles around lately, so let me assume the role of your grandmother and give you some tips to stay healthy for this last stress-filled month of the school year.
If you’re not sick, and trying to continue that trend, you should probably:
1. Sleep. Sleep is your friend. Embrace it. Love it. Give it some appreciation once in a while.
2. Eat as many fruits and vegetables as you can stand. Maybe this is a lot easier for some people, but I seriously have to choke down anything other than, like, peas because I have the palate of a 5-year-old.
3. Carry hand sanitizer with you! Yes, I’m talking about those lame Bath & Body Works ones with the sparkly beads that 40-year-old mothers of three have hanging off their purses in the Wal-Mart checkout line. Get one. Slap it on before you put those grubby fingers in your mouth.
4. Exercise? I don’t know what that word means, but maybe you can figure it out.
5. Have sex. I’m not kidding. There is some weird scientific explanation behind this that I’ve read on three different websites that I don’t feel like typing out and you don’t feel like reading. It’s true, though! … Just make sure whoever your object of desire happens to be isn’t under the weather.
If you ARE sick, come here. We can sick hug and whine to each other about how much it sucks because no one else wants to touch us. You should:
1. Try NOT to blow your nose that often, unless you’re a fan of pretty red and chapped-looking nostrils and constant nosebleeds. Also, for my fellow nose-ring wearers, it’s extremely irritating to the piercing and can cause mad infections. Red and pus-filled metal bars in your nose are no longer edgy!
2. Tea with honey. Lots of it. It’s like God himself is planting a gentle kiss on the inside of your swollen and irritated throat. Just drink a lot of liquids in general.
3. Stay in bed. Rest. Skip a few classes. It’s fine. I mean, you wouldn’t want to get anyone else sick, right? … Watching an entire season of Breaking Bad and not having any human contact for 48 hours will totally help you get over it faster.
4. Shower. Get that steam all up in your nose. You will feel 75 percent better, albeit for like a half hour. But you will also be clean.
5. “Lubricate your nasal passage.” Just throwing that in there because I can’t stop laughing at it.
Stay healthy, friends!
Cortni Dietz is a sophomore studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. How do you stay healthy at school? Email Cortni at cd509910@ohiou.edu.
