Huh, that’s weird. Usually, when I’m 10 minutes late for class, I can hear the professor lecturing from down the hall on my way in. But it’s totally quiet.
Hey, maybe class was canceled!
Or not; everybody seems to be sitting in their seats. And … writing feverishly. Without saying anything.
Uh oh.
OK, maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe they’re just taking notes! And the professor is lecturing … telepathically. Oh, she’s handing me a piece of paper. A study guide, clearly, definitely not an exam I completely forgot about.
“Exam 2.” Crap. Twenty-five percent of our grade!? That seems way too high. I should file a complaint. Did she even tell us we had an exam today?
Wait, yeah, she did. And that email she sent last night — the one I filed as spam —that was probably … crap, crap, crap. You’re such an idiot, past self! I hate you so much.
OK, this isn’t so bad. Just sit down, get out your pen, uncap your pen and write your name. See? Look, you’ve already started. I’ll bet this test is super easy, anyway. Sure, maybe I spend each class period surfing Facebook or doodling instead of paying attention, but that’s no big deal; I bet I’ll nail this. I bet all of my money. To myself.
First question is … well, it’s not A. Probably not B. Definitely not C. That means it’s D! Except … I don’t think it’s D. Could it be C? Maybe it could. Or, maybe it could be all of them because YOU DIDN’T FREAKIN’ STUDY FOR THIS EXAM!
Calm down. Deep breaths. In, out. There we go. So, I clearly don’t know the answer to question one, so … I’ll just skip it! That’s what I’ll do. Just skip the ones I don’t know, then come back and do the others. Easy peasy.
So … question two. Nope, no idea. Puttin’ it on the skip list. Question three … uh, let’s pass on that one for now. Question four … nope, nope, all of my nope. Question five … oh, come on, that’s clearly a trick question. I’m not even gonna bother with that one. Question siiiiiix ...
OK, this clearly isn’t working. Nothing left for it, then: just gonna have to cheat. That 50-page-long thing about academic responsibility is just to scare freshmen; everybody knows that. Let’s just take a glance at this jerk’s text next to me ...
Exam B? Wait, but I have Exam A! Ugh.
The prof did this on purpose, didn’t she? She has always hated me. This whole exam is just so she can fail me, personally. I’ll show her! Let’s just slip out the old iPhone here, consult my good ol’ friend Google and see what he has to say about …
Oh, COME ON! Why isn’t the wireless working!? Oh, I get it: So the tech department is in on your scheme too, eh, prof? I’ll make you guys pay for this! When I get back to my dorm, I’m gonna download so much porn that the routers are gonna get an STD.
Look at these stupid jerks in here. Oh, look at us, we studied for the exam! We’re just sooooo perfect! We’re not in danger of failing because we turned in a half-eaten sandwich for our last project! You people are what’s wrong with this country.
Five minutes left? Oh God. Oh God oh crap oh God. I’m so screwed. Why did I not study when I had the chance? If only I could go back and do everything right …
… Eh? I … I’m in bed in my dorm! It was all just a terrible dream! The exam isn’t until tomorrow; I still have plenty of time to study!
…
Eh, I bet the exam isn’t that hard …
Ryan McAndrews is a junior studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. Did this motivate you to study? Email him at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
