If there’s one thing no one mentions about college, it’s the fact that there is no such thing as “alone time.” At all hours of the day, students are either immersed in their thoughts or surrounded by anywhere from one to 100 of their peers. Living this way can be fun, though. Who doesn’t love not having a space to run to when they’re craving the taste of relaxation? Unfortunately, Ohio University does not offer a degree in privacy.
However, OU students can earn a certificate in selective hearing studies through their experience living with roommates. Don’t bother telling a roommate about an important Zoom conversation, chances are that they’re going to continue talking in the background. This is especially true for those studying in the School of Communication. Find a basement or a broom closet and make it an interview space — just beware of the people shouting through the hallway.
Don’t expect to pass any class easily, though. Gone are the days of studying at a childhood kitchen table in pure bliss. Instead, college students are forced to trade in a large wood table for a small desk shoved into a corner somewhere. People spend buckets of money on cute desk decor, but the most important thing to get for a desk space is noise-canceling headphones. Some roommates don’t understand that television does not need to be loud enough for the neighboring town of Albany to hear.
The best part about having roommates is the fact that there is now a mall built into one’s space. Clothes, shoes, toiletries and snacks are up for grabs when living with others. Don’t ask, just take. They won’t mind anyway. That stylish shirt Jane Doe is wearing at the bar? It’s most likely her roommate’s. However, there’s also a high chance that her roommate has no idea that it is missing and will be scouring the room for it later.
Communication is key when it comes to living with another person. The best way to express emotions and thoughts to a roommate is through eye language. Don’t even speak to them; just stare daggers into their soul. Conversations about feelings are so taboo and they’re not needed when body language does the trick.
Also, remember that the room or house is a shared space, meaning that anyone and everyone can stay there. The best way to do this is run a hotel out of the space for random strangers from the bar. Once again, don’t tell the other people living there that this is happening because they’ll love getting to meet new people. Host a different person each night and extend the hospitality to include shared bathrooms and closet spaces — not just a bed.
Many roommates simply lack the common knowledge to be a decent human. Those who live in quads, greek life housing or houses with more than three people understand this all too well. There’s nothing quite like coming home late from work and seeing someone puking their guts out on the floor. Studio apartments and single dorms exist for a reason. Book one now before it’s too late.
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.
