With the inauguration of a tax-evading, likely treasonous, narcissistic-sexual-predator and full-time fascist, all of us, the literal majority of voters who “fought so hard, and lost so badly,” are feeling pretty dang down. So in the spirit of the brave American hero who punched that one white supremacist directly in the face, I’m going to publicly fantasize about personally beating up the 45th president of the United States. Of course, I’m not going to suggest you or anyone actually try to harm him, except maybe the ones that involve him getting legally indicted, not because I care about his well-being, but because it would only validate him as a victim. Here are some games you can play and envision inflicting pain on Donald Trump.
1. Dishonored-Non-lethal Takedowns. So Dishonored is unique in that it’s a game about assassination where you can avoid using lethal force. Of course, you can kill mostly everyone. The game lets you in any myriad of entertaining ways, but one of the non-lethal attacks stick out in regard to 'Captain Fragility' (guess who?) over here. So you spend the whole game taking apart a usurper’s support network and you move on to the main target. With him, you can air his crimes over the city’s loudspeaker but obviously, that won’t work for Trump. We know this too well. So instead, the non-lethal takedown for Trump would be to air evidence of him betraying us to Russia during the campaign, of course, this is assuming he did collude with Putin.
2. Dark Souls/Bloodborne-Git Gud. What would happen if you dropped Donald Trump into the worlds of FromSoftware? If he were in the same dire straits as the average Souls hero without the option of a quit button or a permanent death? I think we might have found a class worse than the Deprived in these games.
3. Final Fantasy XV-Judgement Bolt. The summon attacks in this game never seem to damage the landscape or anything you don’t want to damage. Meaning we can attack him and Bannon without causing harm to anyone else.
4. Persona 5-Take Your Heart. The soon-to-be-localized Japanse role-playing game lets you play as the Phantom Thieves, people trying to steal back their future by delving into the palaces, dungeons representing their twisted perception of their territory, and stealing the source of their twisted desire, causing the target to have a change of heart, but not after the Thieves have finished beating up the Shadow of their target. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and orange together to make the perfect way of disposing of Donald Trump. One theft later, and he’ll be down on his knees apologizing and confessing about everything.
5. Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 3: Stardust Crusaders- ORAORAORAORA. Ok, so JoJo is an anime with a couple of video games, but the idea of setting Star Platinum on Donald Trump is so appealing. Almost nothing can survive the diamond-hard fists and super-speed of Jotaro Kujo’s Stand. Over in Part 7: Steel Ball Run, where Jotaro is nowhere to be found, the antagonist, Funny Valentine and his Stand, Dirty Deeds Done Cheap, is the president himself. They’re both in Eyes of Heaven on PS4, which means you could beat up the evil president anyway.
But honestly, I despise Trump more than any generic doomsday villain you find in games. It's the same way Harry Potter fans hate Dolores Umbridge more than Voldemort. Trump is the heir to a fortune he didn’t earn, claiming to be a "man of the workers," with a glaring history of not paying the taxes his voters do, or paying his own workers. Voldemort was a larger-than-life, completely sexless avatar of destruction and fantastic racism that was too grand to relate to the real world. Donald is an avatar of greed, sexism, racism, and outright fascism, who wants himself to be seen as a perfect paragon of American exceptionalism. Umbridge and Trump wear almost the thinnest of disguises to hide their rotten cores, but unlike Umbridge, Trump’s veneer of respectability somehow works.
Logan Graham is a junior studying media arts with a focus in games and animation at Ohio University. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. What games would you play to 'beat up' your least favorite politicians? Let him know by emailing him at lg261813@ohio.edu.
