Here’s the thing about basic rules of social etiquette: they often are easy to understand, and must be followed for you to be allowed to participate in this scientific study known as the planet Earth.
You see, I am not the most polite person in the world, nor do I have the best manners. However, I have enough of both that I can go an entire day without someone looking at me like I have leprosy and my arm just rotted off (except that one day that I had leprosy and my arm rotted off). It’s not really hard to do; it just takes an understanding of general manners that so many people ignore.
First and foremost, there is a simple please and thank you reciprocating relationship that must exist. Let’s say I hold the door open for you at the bank, you say “thank you,” and I say (try and guess before you get to the next word) “you’re welcome.” Amazing! Now that we understand this principle, let’s apply it to all things in life. We’re at an intersection. I’m trying to turn right and you let me sneak in front of you while your waiting at a light — how very sweet of you. But oh no, what shall I do? A thank you is impossible because the thick glass of my vehicle will prevent you from hearing me. Ah yes, now is the appropriate time for the thank you wave (I wave my hand upwards from the steering wheel) and you quite naturally return my wave. “Yes friend,” you say. “I see that you appreciate my courtesy and I appreciate that you appreciate it.”
But please and thank you are not the only manners that make the world go, tilted on its 23 and a half degree angle, orbiting the sun — there’s much more. After I have opened your door, and you have let me into the intersection, we bump into each other at our favorite taco restaurant. You don’t see me and I don’t see you, but I say, “Excuse me.” This is a very nice gesture on my part. Then you reply, “You’re excused.” Sorry, wrong answer. The thing is, if we ran into each other we are both wrong, so you aren’t allowed to act as though you are forgiving me. You think about this, and decide you’d rather say, “No, excuse me.” You are quite a person.
Because we have had such a polite day today, I let you cut in front of me at the taco restaurant. You remember to say please and thank you to the register person because you know they earn sweatshop wages. Then, you make me sick with a move I have been seeing all over town lately. When your bill comes to $5.08 you snatch eight pennies out of the penny jar. No. This is wrong. The penny jar, like the reciprocating thank you exercise, is something that must be shared. If you are taking more than five cents from the jar, you will be offending other customers, the store management, and all of the apostles (except for Peter, who doesn’t ever pay attention to anything).
Remembering this rule, you put the pennies back and grab a nickel out of your pocket. Now you can go crazy on that penny jar. As we walk out of the taco place, I decide that you are a pretty neat person and so we decide we should hang out sometime, so we exchange phone numbers and so on.
Later that day I am at home when my phone rings. Carefully checking the caller ID to ensure my safety from potential bill collectors, I see that it’s my new friend. This is inappropriate. You are a nice person, but the first day friendship call is too quick. Like most things in life, a good friendship must take time to grow — and your early call will not allow it to do so. Luckily, when I pick up, you inform me that you are not calling to hang out, but to tell me that you just realized you have been reading my column all summer and you think I’m a jerk. I thank you; you say you’re welcome. That’s manners.
—Cottrill is a junior English major who wants everyone to know that his columns are in no way a reflection of any of his employers, friends, or family. Oh, and he refuses to thank you for reading this. Send him an e-mail at michael.cottrill@ohiou.edu
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Mike Cottrill
