Sorry guys. Look, I know you are my roommates, but something has to be done about these parties. I don't want to be uptight, but honestly, I find the whole focus of this gathering very sophomoric. Everyone is standing around like cattle, forcing alcohol down their throats, and waiting 15 minutes for the keg. People are spilling beer on the couch, some dude is puking in our backyard and your little brother just showed up with his entire freshman floor. I am an adult now, and it is time I spoke up. We should definitely move this party to the bar.
Think about it. Bars are where it's at. A couple hundred college kids and AC/DC on the jukebox ... what is there not to like? Why sit around this dump drinking keg beer out of plastic cups? We could be at the bar drinking keg beer out of tumblers, steins and chalices! Sure, no place in Athens really has those things, but who says cool is measured by what you drink out of? The important thing is that we are going to the bar, and the greatest night of our lives is about to begin.
I'm just being logical here. This is the exact type of environment to accentuate our natural sophistication. I read in Maxim¥¥ that it is a fact women find men 20 times sexier in a bar. I also read, in that same issue, "Thirty Ways to Make Heat Between the Sheets." Did you know you can do other things with a vagina besides put your penis in it? I do now! Thanks to that little article, I know someone who won't be going home with Miss Rosy Palm tonight. (Get it? That's a euphemism for masturbation. Boo-Yah! Another zinger from the boys at ¥¥Maxim!)
But seriously, everyone knows all females get off the exact same way, so these tips will make me awesome in bed. However, I first have to lure them in with my irresistible grace and charm.
Ladies love it when they are with their friends and you start an uncomfortably awkward conversation. My favorite trick is ordering a drink right by where they are sitting and then interrupting the conversation with some witty remark like "Hey" or "Uh." Several overconfident statements, abrupt non-sequiturs and the purchase of two cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon follow the remark. I am telling you, the hotties dig it!
Another killer move upon entering the bar is to spot an acquaintance across the room, give the extended arm finger point and yell "What up, Dozer!?!" (We nicknamed my friend Dozer because he is fat and has no self-esteem, just like a bulldozer). With this grandiose entrance, you let everyone in the bar know someone important has just entered.
If bars were not the absolute coolest place to be, then why would everyone be going to them? Pick any pub on a Friday night; there are so many characters to see. Like that guy who always has a smart-ass response for our professor - you know, the one who whenever Dr. Yates says "OK, so the test will be next Friday," he interrupts and whines about Fridays, citing how he will be hungover due to "thirsty Thursday, dude."
Oh, man, that is hilarious! I cannot believe he actually has the balls to say that to the teacher. He's CRAZY! Whenever he does that, I'm falling off my seat in laughter. But the best part is when the kid pulls out his finishing move. Dr. Yates will ask what day is good for the test, and the kid says, "Uh, sometime next quarter." Oh man, that is AWESOME! Even though I've heard that joke in every class I have ever taken, it never gets old. Ever.
My point is, he will be at the bar! And so will I. And so will everyone. So put on your cologne, spiked hair, and extra tight Madison High School Football shirt (the one indicating you were regional champions ... no one wants to date a loser). I just happen to know a little place that needs some off-key back-up singers to Highway to Hell.
-Show this editorial to your bartender for 50 percent off drinks at select Athens pubs. Find out which ones by sending an e-mail to Andy at sager@ohio.edu.
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Andrew Sager
