As I labored my way into a crab leg during a recent visit to an east-coast lobster shack, I wondered why people don’t wear bibs all the time. My own plastic butter-blocker had already been coated in grease and delicious crabby juices that otherwise would have soaked into my shirt.
I was astounded by the elegant simplicity and incredible efficiency of such an unsophisticated flap of plastic, and I thought, “Why is such a marvel relegated to seafood dives and nursing homes?”
The answer is babies.
More specifically, the answer is that adults don’t like to dress like babies. Many perfectly functional items of clothing are deemed too immature by adults who prefer to eschew primary colors in favor of more professional styles — overalls, Velcro shoes, footie pajamas and cargo jeans are just not OK in the real world.
It’s really a shame. If I had just dressed in the late-’90s style of Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my overalls could have protected my brightly colored fuzzy sweater from crustacean oozings with no need for a bib. On second thought, I probably would have gone without the sweater.
But overalls deserve to break out of their fashion imprisonment. I want to see big-city professionals walking around with light-up shoes and bright blue overalls. I want Osh Kosh B’Gosh to launch a line for adults.
Think about the benefits: Overalls are like pants with suspenders and a bib built in. They prevent stains on shirts, there’s no need to wear a belt, and if your shirt is already stained, the overalls will cover that right up. Plus, they’re really versatile — unfasten one shoulder for a rebellious look or both for an “I’ve been working on the railroad” style.
Widespread reintroduction of adult overalls is unlikely. But people need to lighten up about professional attire. The list of acceptable clothing for the workplace is arbitrary and definitely not utilitarian. I’m betting Velcro-fastened sneakers are a lot more comfortable for a day of work than kitten heels.
Why should the president be scorned for not wearing a tie during a TV interview? Maybe he would prefer elastic-waistband jeans, a striped sweatshirt and a Winnie the Pooh wristwatch. And who are we to say no to such a stylish outfit?
Adults act like children often enough that there shouldn’t be anything wrong with dressing like children. In fact, maybe wearing Gymboree would encourage more honest emotional behavior. While there might be a few more tantrums on the subway, adults acting more like children would prevent a lot of really awful situations.
For example, instead of being forced by social constraints to go places with people you don’t like, you could bashfully tug on the straps of your overalls and say, “I don’t want to go.” Frankness has left our society, and overalls can bring it back — while stopping your shirt from being soiled by your subpar motor skills.
I didn’t even mention how awesome it would be to have that many pockets all the time.
Joe Fox is a junior studying journalism and a columnist for The Post. Baby food being served in the dining halls? Email him at jf265708@ohiou.edu.
