It’s Halloween, and that means slasher movies are in. Slasher movies are a sub-genre where a guy with a giant knife, chainsaw or machete chases a bunch of people (usually teenagers) around until he kills most or all of them.
This got me wondering, what if we were thrown into a world where we had to socialize with these monsters. What if you had to invite Michael Myers to your cookout, or Leatherface to your bachelor party?
This is the definitive ranking of how bearable these characters would be in a world where they didn’t want to kill you, but just wanted to have a few drinks with you and your friends instead. Here’s who I would invite to my Halloween party and who I wouldn’t:
10. Freddy Krueger
Coming in at dead last is an absolute clown I want nowhere near me under any circumstances: Freddy Krueger. This might seem odd, he has good jokes, he has a nice outfit and he even has a pretty cool party trick (entering dreams). However, this guy sucks.
If you go back and watch A Nightmare on Elm Street, his jokes don’t land, he’s obnoxious and he definitely wouldn’t leave when the party ends, because he can just stay in everyone’s dreams the rest of the night. He also became a villain because he was a murderer and a terrible person in his real life before the good people of Springwood, OH, burned him alive. He has weird homophobic uncle vibes. I can confidently say I’d rather get hunted down by this man in my nightmares than invite him to my Halloween party.
9. Jason Vorhees
From a horror standpoint, Jason is an icon. However, as a person, he has zero social skills and a lot of mommy issues. Hanging out with Jason is also going to be a hard pass for me. The only reason this guy gets a pass at all is because his childhood was genuinely messed up. He died because his terrible camp counselors forgot to make sure he wasn’t drowning, and that sucks for him.
That being said, he’s got to move on. It’s been a good 63 years and he’s still taking his anger out on innocent teenagers. To make him even less likable, he keeps his dead mom, who also murdered a bunch of innocent teenagers, in his weird, pitiful shack-house. I don’t want Jason showing up to my party and crying about his mom or his mean camp counselors who were running a summer camp when Eisenhower was president. Jason would scare everyone away, kill the vibe and ultimately ruin the whole night.
8. The Creeper
This guy, The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers, is an absolute joke. He’s not as bad as the two previous characters, but I would under no circumstances invite him to my party either. He’s an actual creep. He’s the kind of guy to hang out with high schoolers when he’s 25.
Honestly, I’m not sure what he is. He’s some weird monster humanoid that just hangs out in the middle of nowhere. Scary? Yes. Desirable as a house guest? No.
On top of him being all-around terrible, there's a scene in the movie where he smells underwear which is disgusting. Under any circumstances, keep this cornball away from me and my home.
7. Jigsaw
Jigsaw is more of a sadist than a true slasher, but for the purpose of this list, I have him coming in at seven. All things considered, he’s also not great and is a literal clown, but he won’t be nearly as bad as Kreuger, The Creeper or Vorhees.
For starters, he’s a puppet so all he’s going to really do is wheel around the party on his little bike, and if he’s not trying to trap you in a deadly labyrinth, that might be kind of cute. If his horrifying voice is gone, a non-evil Jigsaw would be more of a pet than an actual guest. If it’s still there, it would be pretty fun to listen to him do karaoke. Would he be the best guest? No, but he also wouldn’t ruin the entire evening either.
6. Leatherface
Look, this man is disgusting. I just know he smells bad. Murderer or not, he’s still going to show up wearing another person's skin, and that’s probably going to ruin the entire night right there. So, you might be wondering why he’s above three other slashers on this list. Well, he has demonstrated something most of them have not, social skills.
Leatherface has a family, and while they all eat people together, they also love each other. Even better, they work with the community to make sure they get fresh human meat to eat and use in family crafts. This earned him some huge points. I know that when I send the invite to Leatherface, he’s at least experienced human interaction before, albeit with horrible, nauseating people, but people nonetheless.
5. Pinhead
Like most people my age I’ve never seen Hellraiser. I don’t know nearly as much about Pinhead as I should, but I do know one thing, the alt-kids would love him. He pretends to be deeper than he really is and he knows how to dress. Stil, Pinhead is cool. He’s unique and he’s from hell. He also might bring fun gifts in his evil death-box.
Pinhead can at least speak in full sentences, so he could hold some pretty interesting conversations. He speaks in vague terms, he wears a leather dress and his nickname is “Hell Priest.” If I’m being honest, this is the first character on this list I actually want at my party. Pinhead is cool, and he’s going to get an invite.
4. Pennywise
If you’re still crying about how scary clowns are, you need to grow up. The only bad clowns are Pennywise and John Wayne Gacey, and if Pennywise wasn’t a blood-thristy monster, he’d be a blast to have around.
Pennywise is witty, creative and knows how to commit to a costume. Most of this list consists of slashers who threw on a random mask or were just naturally horrifying, but Pennywise cares about his clown costume. Even better, 2017’s It also showed us he isn’t scared to dance. Pennywise would be near the top of my guest list.
3. Michael Myers
Michael Myers is the best slasher. He’s the inspiration for most other slashers and he’s arguably the scariest. Call it bias, but I have nothing but good things to say about Michael Myers. As someone to hang out with, he’s not the best, but he’s not the worst.
Mike is cool. He’s chill, he’s calm and he doesn’t talk at all. He doesn’t need to be the center of attention. Michael would just come for a little, have a few beers and leave without bothering anyone. He is a true neutral and that’s a great party guest. He also is the most pro-Halloween person on the planet, which bodes well in my book.
2. Chucky
Say what you want about this silly, evil little doll, but he’s fun. He lives life on the absolute edge at all times and I have no problem being around someone like that given the right circumstances.
Chucky would be a blast at parties. He’s chaotic, he’s reckless and he’s shown he’s capable of socializing with others. He’s even been married. These are all gigantic points in favor of this evil doll. Say what you want about Chucky, but I’m inviting him to the party and the after-party. He can crash on my couch for all I care.
1. Ghostface
When discussing Ghostface, I want to make it clear the deranged teenagers who were behind the mask in the original Scream are not getting invited. However, Ghostface as an entity is way too much fun not to invite.
He’s charismatic, funny and would absolutely carry the party the entire time. Everybody wants to be Ghostface and that appeal is just too inviting not to make him/her No. 1 on my Halloween party guest list.
