Unsure how to handle the nation's drug situation, Senate's new bill simply bans all leaves.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to rising marijuana usage throughout the nation, the Senate has been trying to pass laws to control drug use in the U.S. However, with new kinds of drugs and forms of marijuana appearing more frequently, especially in the hands of the youth, it has become more and more difficult to control. In an attempt to solve the issue, the Senate has recently proposed a bill that will place a federal ban on leaves.
“If you can’t find the problem’s origin, why not just get rid of the problem altogether?” Sen. Mark Kirk told reporters. “Just like Planned Parenthood. You see a problem? Boom. Whole thing’s gone.”
“It’s just too difficult to regulate,” Sen. Jerry Moran said. “We don’t even know what’s marijuana anymore. There are so many kinds of marijuana leaves. How are the cops supposed to tell a marijuana leaf from an innocent one?”
“I think the most important thing is getting these young people in jail,” Sen. John Cornyn said. “And how are we supposed to do that if the definition of a marijuana leaf is so convoluted? We need to make it easier for cops to arrest youths for these more-difficult-to-see, nonviolent crimes. They’re sneaky, if you ask me.”
According to the bill, leaves will need to be raked up from the ground and incinerated, especially when fall comes around. Anyone in possession of leaves weighing eight ounces and above will be charged with a felony. Below that weight, it will simply be a misdemeanor.
However, the bill does not ban medical marijuana or use of leaves.
“We understand that nature can help people with anxiety problems,” Sen. John Boozman said. “People with medical cards will be able to view, interact with and even grow leaves freely, as long as they don’t share it with people who do not have a card.”
Other people who have trees in their yards will have to remove all of the leaves regularly.
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Plastic plants are not mentioned in the bill, so many hope they will still be able to have their fake trees in their houses as decoration. Christmas trees, however, should have no problem, since pine needles do not seem to be included in the bill, to the relief of many religious freedom activists across the nation.
Additionally, to the relief of many proud Americans, flying the Canadian flag will be considered promotion of illegal actions.
Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. Do you think Senate's new bill will be effective? Email him at mo183714@ohio.edu.
