For those of you who haven’t been living under a rock for the past couple of weeks, we’ve got a new pope! If you have been living under a rock, seek help, because that’s not normal behavior, and you’ve probably got a disease.
I say that “we” have a new pope, even though I myself was excommunicated from the Catholic Church after a certain incident back in 2004. (Look, guys, if you didn’t want me to take my pants off and sing “My Heart Will Go On” during Easter Mass, maybe you shouldn’t have left all that “blood of Christ” where a 12-year-old could get at it.)
In all seriousness, though, my departure from faith was pretty rocky — I think it was somewhere around the time that my Sunday school teacher told me to only date Catholic girls when I started feeling like maybe the church and I needed to take a little break.
I might not be a committed Catholic anymore, but like an obsessive ex-boyfriend constantly refreshing his ex’s Facebook page, I just can’t seem to stop following Vatican news. It seems like just yesterday that Pope Benedict XVI was in office and everything was great, but all of a sudden he’s out on the street for some reason and there’s this new Pope Francis in her life and he goes to OSU and what does he have that I don’t, Britney?
I get it, though, I do. The former pope, Benedict, is 85 years old — there’s no way someone that ancient can connect with the modern Catholic! Now we’ve got a fresh new blood, a sexy hunk in the prime of his life at ... 76. Still, though, this is exactly what the Catholic Church needs: a Jesuit priest who lives simply, cares about the poor and will bring the church back into the 21st century.
But you know what the Catholic Church needs even more? Me. I’ve had lots of time to think about it, and I think I’m ready to come back, guys. I’m not saying that the guys at the Vatican made the wrong choice, but come on — Pope “Francis”? What, did they pull that name out of a hat? ... Seriously, did they? I don’t know how pope-picking works.
Point is: I’m the dopest pope you could ever hope to scope. I’m a great public speaker, and I figure stand-up comedy and preaching are just about the same — you just get up in front of people and tell funny stories about things that didn’t really happen, right? (Editor’s Note: The opinions of Mr. McAndrews do not represent the views of The Post.)
Haha, like anybody would actually fall for that whole “water into wine” thing! What a bunch of rubes! (Seriously, this is all on him.)
Still skeptical? I don’t blame you, which is why I’ve forwarded my resume and CV to every priest in Rome who hasn’t already blocked my email (all three of them). I believe that my experience as both a columnist for The Post and my summer job as an amusement park cashier will make me well suited for the role of leading the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics in worship. I’m much younger and in slightly better physical shape than this “Pope Francis” loser, and I have almost as much experience dealing with brutal Argentinean dictatorships! High school was a weird time.
Look, I know that the decision’s been made and all, but I’m just saying — the offer’s on the table. I’m graduating in May, and it’s either this or interning at the local Arby’s, so if you’re ready to have me, I’m ready to come back.
(That goes for you too, Britney.)
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism at Ohio University, an aspiring pontiff and a columnist for The Post. Would he make a good pope? Email him at rm287608@ohiou.edu.
