It has come to my attention that I don’t have a dashing headshot like some other opinion writers. So, I took the liberty of leveling the playing field. Until I have one, imagine a mirror selfie in which I’m wearing nothing but a pair of ripped jeans and some aviators. Stay tuned for more updates.
I have created a Harvard-scholar-approved (clickbait) algorithm to find the eight best candidates to take over Daniel Craig’s post as James Bond:
1. Henry Cavill
2. Robert Pattinson
3. Harry Styles
4. Tom Holland
5. Andrew Garfield
6. Bobby Gorbett (me)
7. Harrison Ford
8. LeBron James
Unfortunately, eight men cannot play James Bond, so how to determine the last man standing? An eight-way match in the Thunderdome? No, I don’t want to kill 80-year-old Harrison Ford. An online poll? No, what if I disagree with it? Instead, I will put the eight contestants into a bracket and determine the winner based on logic and fit.
Round One:
Andrew Garfield vs. Tom Holland
This feels like destiny, but also kind of a mid-off. You have a medium glass of water (Garfield) vs. a sippy cup (Holland), a C+ Spiderman vs. a B+ Spiderman and an Arsenal fan vs. a Tottenham fan.
Winner: Holland
As short as Holland is, his role in “Uncharted” convinced me he has the toughness to be Bond. If I wanted Bond to be a theater kid, my first call would go to Garfield, but that’s not the case.
Henry Cavill vs. Harrison Ford
Cavill’s too buff. Bond is tough, but he’s still a bit of an underdog. Cavill isn’t an underdog, he’s like the boss henchman that Bond must beat up to prove himself.
Bond is cool, and who in Hollywood is cooler than Ford? I get it, Bond isn’t 80, but 80 is the new 60, and with those shiesty earrings on, Ford doesn’t look a day over 73.
Winner: Ford
Robert Pattinson vs. LeBron James
I love Pattinson, but I’m not sure he’s the right fit for Bond. He’s cool in a, “Hey, dad, look at this pinecone I found in my latest tree-climbing expedition!” sort of way, but not in a Bond way.
James has everything you need to be a great Bond, and if you ever wanted to see Bond hit a 360-windmill dunk, James is the only option. Does he know how to act? No, but like your parents on social media, he will learn by doing.
Winner: LeBron James Bond
Harry Styles vs. Bobby Gorbett
Styles checks off a lot of boxes: he’s cool, British and young. And if getting away with spitting on an American doesn’t scream Bond I don’t know what does. Long live #SpitGate.
Why not me? I’m an athletic freak and I can do a perfect British accent. I don’t have five different vices like Bond, but I can pick one or two up. I certainly know the part; I loved Bond so much that I named TWO Instagram accounts after him in middle school.
Winner: Harry Styles
In the interest of objectivity, I will advance Styles, but this was very close.
Round Two:
Tom Holland vs. Harrison Ford
I like Holland, but going against someone with nearly 60 years of experience is a tough matchup. The only thing Holland has going for him is he might be able to convince Zendaya to join the franchise, but that’s not enough to get past Indiana Jones/Han Solo/The President.
Winner: Ford
Harry Styles vs. LeBron James
Imagine a final scene where James plays the villain 1v1 in a game of basketball,
“Alley-oop to LeBron James Bond, and he slams it home to win!”
“Mama, there goes that man!”
On second thought, that’s pretty much “Space Jam 2.”
Winner: Styles
Final Round:
Harry Styles vs. Harrison Ford
Two battle-tested, ears-pierced competitors facing off in the final. Young vs. elderly, British vs. American, Styles vs. Ford.
Winner: Styles
It’s official, Styles is my approved candidate for James Bond. Ever wanted to do a James Bond musical? You can do that with Styles. He’s so cool his last name is literally Style(s) and honestly, I stay awake at night thinking about Spitgate. He was caught in 4k spitting on someone and faced little backlash. I’m impressed.
Bobby Gorbett is a junior studying journalism. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. Want to talk more about it? Let Bobby know by tweeting him @GorbettBobby.
