When I die, I want to be reincarnated as a fly on the wall so that I can understand why people love to run their mouths. I want to be in the room when the tea is spilt, when the gossip is whispered and when the rumor mill is open for work.
It’s glorious. The way people can turn on each other in a second.
Using secrets and lies as a way to protect one’s personal well-being is an age-old tactic, and it’s a favorite of mine. Why take responsibility for your own actions when you can pretend they never even happened? Ignorance is bliss and everyone needs a little bliss in their lives.
I think it stems from age-old survival instincts. Social circles are practically ancient coliseums made for fighting. Everyone loves a good fight to the death, especially if it gets attention. Attention is good for the soul.
In fact, I am a firm believer that you should befriend your friendly neighborhood narcissist. Their soul-sucking tendencies know how to get the room riled up and the party started. They sure know how to change the mood in a room. They’ll bring beer to the party, but it’s definitely expired. Making everyone else vomit is one way to make yourself look better.
I love when there’s more than one narcissist in the room, though. It’s like my own personal Super Bowl halftime show. The entertainment is never ending and there’s always a special guest appearance. What will it be? A romantic partner, a former roommate or a screenshot? I’m on the edge of my seat.
One thing I don’t understand though is why gossip is so taboo? Little white lies are like sweet nothings to me. They’re short and often romance-based. Life needs romance or else it’s dull and lifeless.
You may be asking yourself: has the Pest ever told a lie? Has the Pest ever stirred the pot? Well, of course not. I live for drama, but I’m not on the Bravo channel. Go find your Andy Cohen elsewhere. I’m a viewer at home.
Why get involved when you can just watch it all go down? Everyone’s saying things to preserve themselves, but the best self preservation is just keeping your mouth shut. Think smarter not harder, duh.
It’s all arbitrary, though. Caste systems, social systems, economic systems, gaming systems, Systems of a Down, etc. are all controlling the way these things work. It’s human nature to tear others down for personal benefit, some people just aren't smooth about it.
That’s the way the world goes round, and when it all falls down, I’ll just sit by and watch it happen. I really don’t care what anyone thinks of me, and to some people that’s a problem. Call me problematic I guess, but at least I’m honest with myself.
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.
