WHY??? WHY YOU DERANGED BEAST??? I do not want your stinky diary pages. This is very obviously not an accident. I know it is not and so do you. You want me to read these pages. Why? And you want me to publish them for all the world to see. Again, I ask you: why?
This one was in my English 1510 class. It was in my unassigned assigned seat.
I do not understand you, Rufus. But I am beginning to respect your audacity.
This one stinks of cat sweat. Here is what the diary page read:
Dear Diary,
It has been a month since I began my journey to become Ultra-Buff Muscular Rufus. And wow, has it really begun to make a difference in my life!
Every day after I practice my cartwheels, cheers and mascot dances I am no longer tired. I do not get winded on my daily runs up and down Jeff Hill and the stairs of Peden Stadium. When I go out and trim the turf, my legs don’t become sore from squatting down. Speaking of squatting, even using my Cat Cave kitty box has become easier! I am a lot more flexible these days.
I also find that I don’t need to take as many naps during the day! Instead of my traditional 18 hour daily nap during the remaining Winter Break weeks in January, I just took 8! It is so refreshing to be awake longer finding more ways to spread Bobcat cheer. Now that the beautiful Ohio University campus is bustling once more, I only take one per day for about 30 minutes.
Even my performance at work has improved! I was strong and nimble before, but I have been making fans cheer even louder and teams play even better! Even the beer sales at the Men’s and Women’s basketball games have increased because of me. I am very proud of my hard work and my newly apparent rock hard cat abs.
How did I do it you ask? I work out every day in the Charles J. Ping Recreation Center! Once you dodge the wet floor signs from the leaks throughout the building, it really has a pretty nice ambiance to it!
I started to go around 2 a.m. (it's easier to sneak in with my Sneaky Cat Skills when the OUPD officer outside is asleep). I have mascot access, so I can swipe into any building at any given time. This is especially important for my Ultra-Buff Muscular Rufus journey, as it is usually too busy during the day to do a full body workout. After all, there are many cardio machines, but not as many machines to become Buff.
I do however run the indoor track at least 65 times per day. After all, I have to get all that cat energy out somewhere! Occasionally it is sticky and wet, but that is not because of me. It is just because of the leaky roof.
I have gained about 50 pounds of lean muscle and I have more stamina than I have ever had before.
Swoop, I am coming.
Love,
Rufus T. Bobcat
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.
