It is 8:50 a.m. and I find myself in a situation that many Bobcats can relate to: having to rush to my 9 a.m. exam that I haven’t studied a second for, running on a total of four hours of sleep after staying out way too late the night before.
As I break into a brisk stride, rushing toward Athens' factory of sadness that is Bentley Hall, I find myself behind someone who, for some reason, is taking up way more sidewalk space than they should, walking no faster than a garden snail.
I rush around them, only after spending two minutes deciding if I should slow my pace or attempt to make a pass as awkward as passing a state trooper on U.S. 33. They glance over at me, giving me the evilest stink eye I’ve gotten since I last talked back to my mom.
I think to myself, “Why do people act like me passing them is worse than getting that third parking ticket since the start of the semester?”
Now let me get this straight, there is nothing wrong with people who walk slowly. Of course, not everyone walks the same speed and certainly not everyone is in a hurry to make it back to their dorm after eating at Nelson.
The problem is when people walk slowly and act completely oblivious about it, like they know they are walking slowly but still walk in the middle of the sidewalk.
Although this is such a tricky situation, slowing down to the pace of oblivious slow walkers is pretty much the same as admitting defeat.
So what is the best way to pass slow walkers? Well, there are a few different methods.
Say something out of pocket as a distraction
Students talk about some strange stuff on campus. You hear everything from “Jessica was being so petty at Chad’s place last night,” to “My T.A. is so hot!”
Either chime in on these conversations, or say something yourself like, “You know, you look just like that girl I met at Red Brick last night.”
Using this strategy next time you encounter a slow walker will certainly throw them off enough to allow you to pass by with ease.
Distract them with nicotine
Uptown Athens seems to be opening vape stores like there’s no tomorrow (well, maybe there won’t be for some of their customers, but that’s besides the point).
It is very possible that there are some students who may be walking slowly due to the sadness they are experiencing after leaving their vape device at home.
I recommend buying some basic nicotine devices, so if you suspect someone may be walking slow due to withdrawals, throw the device and watch them run to collect it. Boom, the path in front of you will be wide open.
Use a bell or a horn
Many bikes have bells attached to the handlebars and almost every car in existence has a built-in horn.
So what’s the shame in buying a simple, handheld bell or horn that you can use to give someone a hint to move out of the way?
This method may be considered rude in some people's eyes, but it’s certainly bound to be efficient.
The classic shoulder push and dirty glance
Truly the most classic way to let someone know that you don’t have all the time in the world unlike them is to bump their shoulder and throw them a dirty look when you pass.
Now, there is no guarantee that this method won’t make that person equally as frustrated as you, but what it can guarantee is that your message is being read by them.
Conclusion
No matter what method you choose to use next time you encounter slow walkers, you’ll be sure to get to your destination on-time and just maybe, you’ll give yourself the reputation of “don’t walk slow in front of this guy!”
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.
