CHAPPAQUA, N.Y. — Suspicious sounds and sights from the Clinton household have led surrounding residents to keep a watch out for any strange activity.
“They will not take this from me again,” Hillary Clinton was heard chanting from her home in New York. Residents were attracted to the home due to an ominous glow emanating from the windows. A few decided to investigate and found out the truth was more than they had bargained for.
Many residents reported seeing “at least three large altars” being moved into the household on the day after the Electoral College vote, and, only a week later, a small herd of sheep being ushered into the home.
“I don’t know where she keeps all these sheep,” an anonymous New York resident told reporters. “It was a good amount. Like, at least 10 sheep. She’s gotta be feeding them and everything, right? Fattening ‘em up or something, I have no clue.”
“Yeah, she was pretty heartbroken after the election, as were many of us,” neighbor Martin Kansas said. “But then, when I tried to console her, she just looked at me with this stoic stare and said, ‘In the end, all will be made right.’ I don’t know what the hell that means, but you know, I just left the conversation there to go watch some TV.”
A few neighboring residents reported seeing a lamb standing on one of the altars within the Clinton household, unsure what results would come of this unsightly view.
“I don’t know what they’re sacrificing to, or whatever,” neighbor Janis Smith said. “Like, I think they’re trying everything that might work. You know, rotating gods. They were real into praying to the ancient Norse gods a few weeks ago. Looks like they’re out of that phase now judging from the broken Thor statue sticking out of their trash bin. I don’t think I’ve seen them sacrifice a live animal yet, though. Just crops and stuff, usually.”
Reporters will be keeping a close eye on the household, avoiding any sheepish mistakes that could give them away.
Marco Omta is a sophomore studying music production. Please note that the views and opinions of the columnists do not reflect those of The Post. Are you ready for the inauguration? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.
