Columnist Marco Omta has the scoop on how officials have finally discovered what’s wrong with Ted Cruz's face.
HOUSTON — The riveting question of what’s wrong with Ted Cruz’s face has finally been solved, according to City of Houston officials.
“He always looks like he’s about to cry,” Cruz’s fellow Texas senator John Cornyn said. “So we just hurled a few insults at him — you know, stupid face, you’re never gonna be president, cheap Trump imitator, the usual — until he was actually about to cry. And his face didn’t change at all. He’s just in a constant state of almost crying but never letting it out.”
That has satisfied the curiosity of many people on the Internet trying to figure out what was so strange about his resting facial expression.
“Policies aside, I could never grasp what was so wrong with his face,” Houston local Jenny Smith told reporters. “Now, I finally have it figured out. It’s a relief. But no, I don’t really know anything about his policies.”
Donald Trump responded with his usual jabs, saying, “I would always be about to cry if I was Ted Cruz! He should have told us he had this problem before he ran. This is lyin’ Ted I’m talking about!”
John Kasich and Bernie Sanders had no comment, trying to press “real issues,” and Hillary Clinton declined to respond until “everyone else has said something first.”
In a matter of days, the long-awaited response from the Cruz campaign was finally revealed in a very telling speech.
“This face is the face of someone who’s been living in the Obama administration for eight years,” Cruz told his supporters.
The crowd roared.
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“It’s pretty simple,” Cruz said in an interview afterward. “If I can’t answer the question, just blame Obama. They love it.”
“I hope to one day get the chance to answer a political question reasonably,” Cruz said, on the verge of tears, as usual. “But that’s just not what people are interested in anymore, so I’ll just keep cutting taxes and taking away healthcare.”
“He’s never going to actually cry,” John Cornyn said. “I mean, look at him. He’s always been so close. He could probably lose all his loved ones and have the same facial expression.”
“Maybe one day I’ll make him happy,” Cruz’s daughter Caroline said, facing what she thinks is constant disappointment from her father. “I don’t know if it’s possible. I’ve kind of given up.”
Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. Do you think Ted Cruz will cry soon? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.
