The beloved genius superstar actor decides to make time for his family and movies.
LAS VEGAS — To the disappointment of many moviegoers and politicians, Nicolas Cage has made a decision which many would call heartbreaking.
Countless politically active film connoisseurs have been pressing Cage to enter the presidential race. Mediocre stage presence and bizarre, inconsistent character variation that caters to multiple audiences, matched with little to no knowledge of state policies and vague wording on controversial issues makes him perfect to be a politician.
“He truly is a national treasure,” President Barack Obama said to the American people in his latest and final State of the Union address this past Tuesday. “His decision not to run is disappointing, but we must remember that he is only human, and he has daily needs like the rest of us.”
“Of course I regret it,” Cage told reporters when asked about his decision. His face had the usual serious, dramatic overtone encompassing his expression. “I regret it every day, but it was the right decision for my family and for me. And I plan on staying deeply involved.”
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“I do feel like there’s a lot of irony there,” presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said in a recent interview with Fox News. “His name is Nicolas Cage, and yet that’s where he is: in a cage. He’s trapped within this box of these amazingly mediocre movies that are put out so consistently. I don’t know if politics is right for him. You have to make a lot of tough decisions. Although he is very good at repeating lines from a script, so I do think we share some positive political qualities.”
“I love Nicolas Cage,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said. “People think I don’t like Nicolas Cage; I love Nicolas Cage. How do you not love Nicolas Cage? He just wouldn’t be a good president. I would be better.”
“You know, I disagree with Trump,” Senator Marco Rubio told reporters. “What’s most important to Americans is the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, and due to Nicolas Cage’s vital role in stealing the Declaration, he knows those documents top to bottom. I would fully support him as a candidate.”
Many others have been unsure about Cage’s running, but whether the opinion has been positive or negative, his decision has been a center of national attention.
In other news, Joe Biden has decided not to run in the presidential race, but his choice has been hugely overshadowed by the internationally known phenomenon Nicolas Cage.
“Joe Biden?” regular citizen Janice Smith said. “I’ve heard his name before. Is he an actor or something?”
Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. Would you vote for Nicolas Cage? Email him at mo183714@ohio.edu.
