Bad at making Thanksgiving conversation? Here’s some tips from columnist Marco Omta.
Everywhere across the nation, countless people can’t handle Thanksgiving dinner table talk. It may be the awkward silences, the discomfort of not knowing what subjects are too touchy or simply not caring about the home run your third cousin’s son-in-law hit the other day. Here at The Sarcastic Scoop, we are dedicated to providing a satisfying consumer experience. We’ve compiled a list of things to talk about this Thanksgiving to keep your family satisfied with your half-hearted table conversation.
The economy
Always a classic conversation starter, make sure to talk about the failing economy, and bring up a politician you know the majority of the room hates. If your weird cousin is having trouble finding a job, say something encouraging like, “In this economy? You’re not alone.”
Immigration
Talking as if immigrants aren’t people will have the whole table roaring with pleasantry and laughter. Say as many dehumanizing things as possible about immigrants in front of the racists in your family, and you’ll be raking in the likable points. Top it all off by telling your jobless cousin, “With immigrants taking all our jobs? You’re not alone.”
Passive-aggressive banter
Make sure to crack a lot of innocent jokes at the expense of others. Things like, “Hey Mary, is your daughter pregnant again this year?” will have your family rolling on the floor. Say as many passive-aggressive things you can about your family, such as, “If only my lazy brother would stop mooching off me all the time!” Make sure to laugh about it after to ensure they know it was a joke, but don’t apologize, so they know you meant it.
Pretend everyone is straight
Dinner conversation becomes all but pleasant when someone brings up sexuality. Make sure to leave that topic completely aside if you don’t want an awkward, never-ending silence and nasty looks from the family. The best way to do that is by pretending everyone is straight and completely avoiding discussion about anyone who is otherwise. Not doing that is dangerous territory and may endanger the jovial Thanksgiving discussion you’re required to have every year.
Don’t bring up the less fortunate
Remember, Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful! The worst thing you can possibly do is talk about the poor or the needy. Don’t make everyone feel bad about the bountiful turkey and mashed potatoes they have in front of them by talking about starving children, and definitely do not try to bring awareness to any social issues regarding people less fortunate than you. Pretending everything’s fine in the world, besides the economy, is an integral part of keeping up a smiling face for the family.
Good luck with your dinner conversation, and have a happy Thanksgiving!
Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. What are you planning to bring up at Thanksgiving dinner? Email him at mo183714@ohio.edu.
