A 'Post' reporter tried to eat a five pound burrito in twenty minutes. It didn’t end well.
Ever since freshman year, I’ve maintained a shameful, not-so-secret love affair with Big Mamma’s Burritos.
I don’t think I’m necessarily proud of it, and my obsession hasn’t always been easy on my bank account or stomach. But as they say: “Love the one you’ve got.” That’s why I thought I might be a good candidate for the Mega Mamma Challenge.
For those not familiar, the Mega Mamma Challenge is a (fairly sadistic) endurance test at the local burrito joint in which patrons attempt to eat a five pound burrito in fewer than 20 minutes. It takes three tortillas to make and constitutes more than a day’s worth of calories.
I thought maybe, just maybe, with nearly three years of practice scarfing down Mamma Grandes, I might be able to at least come close to completing the challenge. I failed miserably. I tried to consume the burrito. The burrito consumed me. (In my defense, they say the burrito is about three times as big as a normal burrito, but I’m pretty positive that’s a gross underestimate.) I just hope at some point, someone might be able to learn something from my failure.
My first mistake was probably my lack of preparation. About an hour before the big event, as my nerves began to build, I feverishly began Googling articles about how to succeed at competitive eating contests. (Those types of articles actually exist, if you were curious. The Internet is a glorious thing.) The only thing I really learned was that some people take these things very seriously. And here I was, just some schmuck off the street thinking he could walk right in and consume a burrito the size of a small child.
So, I entered the competition with a bit of a defeatist attitude. I ordered a Mamma Club with chicken, which I figured would be pretty light (the chipotle mayo got me), and as I waited for them to prepare it, I was actually shaking a little bit. I’ve never been afraid of my food before. Suspicious, sure. Repulsed, definitely. But when they set that behemoth in front of me, I was afraid.
I think I started out pretty strong. I put my reservations aside and cleared my mind of all thoughts except for the burrito. When the Big Mama’s employees called out “15 minutes left,” I was fairly close to the quarter-burrito mark. But after that, the burrito began to wear me down. It wasn’t exactly that I was getting full, it was just that it began to supremely not taste good anymore, and my body was fighting back against it with every bite.
With about a minute left, I still had three and a half pounds of burrito left to eat, and I knew I had been defeated by the very thing I once loved. I was disappointed at first, but I’ve found peace in my failure. I know my limits. There’s a certain freedom in realizing that, despite your best efforts, there are some challenges that just cannot be surmounted. But life goes on.
The Mega Mamma Challenge served that purpose for me.
I think, for a while, I’ll be taking a break from my love affair with Big Mamma’s. I’m a little ashamed to show my face in there, and I’m not sure my stomach will be able to handle it for several weeks.
But I think Big Mamma’s and I will reunite eventually. That’s just how true love goes.
