Absolutely nothing new happened this week, reporters say.
EVERYWHERE — A recent CNN article has been released on an otherwise completely blank CNN webpage stating merely that there is no news this week.
“We’re sorry,” the article states, “but nothing new has happened this week. We are doing our best to find anything new to report, but we simply cannot find anything.” The major news station’s homepage is completely white besides that article. However, after scrolling down, you can find some attempts at new things that have happened in the personal lives of the editors desperately trying to find something to write about, (“Local Dog Is Lost, Gets Found,” “My Baby Just Said His First Words And You Won’t Believe What They Were.”)
Other news stations have quickly followed suit, arriving at the same conclusion. The New York Times' website is merely a header that reads, “There is no news this week. We apologize for the inconvenience.” The Huffington Post has redirected its webpage to The Onion’s webpage, hoping nobody would notice. The New Yorker has simply shut down its site for the week, since no one reads it anyway.
Various politicians are scheduled with major news networks such as CNN and NBC in hopes that they will say something stupid enough to make into a headline, but due to their busy schedules, the earliest scheduled interview is Saturday, so there is not expected to be any news whatsoever until the end of the week. Other news stations such as MSNBC or Fox News have their fingers crossed for something controversial to occur, such as a terrorist attack or a protest in a low-income neighborhood, but have been disappointed thus far. The Wall Street Journal has resorted to completely making up stories in hopes that its audience will continue to believe what it says, despite increasing falsity.
The most viewed news channel within the past week is The Weather Channel, which has been thriving.
“It’s really been great for our business,” meteorologist Jen Carfagno said recently. “Plus, people finally know if it’s going to rain tomorrow instead of washing their car today and then complaining that it’s ruined. The information has always been there, but now that news watchers have nothing else to satiate their addiction, the weather is what they’re giving all their attention to.”
It has been a rough time for comedians, however, with no major political figures to make fun of. Many have resorted to repeating jokes, to the upset of their crowds. White-collar workers have had to resort to talking about the weather or having genuine personal conversation reflective of honest goals and desires, to the emotional offset of many.
Hopefully something will happen by the end of the week.
Marco Omta is a freshman studying music production. What news sources do you regularly view? Email him at mo183714@ohio.edu.
