This week, the Bed Post columnists chat about how to end your on-campus "friends with benefits" situation before heading home for the summer.
How do you end things with your “friend with benefits” before heading home for summer?
Anyone who has watched a movie about college life in the late ’90s probably expected to show up to campus and immediately find an amazing-looking woman with whom to have premarital relations and never have to commit more than condom costs.
And though that does happen for some people, it’s not always totally easy to keep feelings out of someone you’re inside of.
Despite some emotion that might arise between you and your proverbial bang buddy, it’s not unheard of to want to cut those ties, at least for the summer. Because, let’s face it, you might want to get tangled up with someone back in your hometown over break.
The easiest way to make a clean break is a classic fake death.
Here’s the setup: first you’re going to need to find someone to make fake IDs for you. I’m not talking a Michigan driver’s license to use to get into Red Brick; you need social security, birth certificates, etc. They need to be convincing.
Next, get someone to recreate your teeth. That will throw the cops off your trail when they find a smoldering wreckage of a car with your dental work in it.
I think I skipped the step where you drive a car off a cliff and leave some teeth in it and jump out at the last second. But that one’s obvious.
Make sure that beforehand someone you know sees you at a bar or something with a drink in your hand so they can say, “Well, he was drinking. How tragic.”
Lastly, move somewhere no one would think to find you, like Eastern Europe or Indiana. Who would go to Indiana?
And before you know it, boom, no more bang buddy in college. Problem solved.
Ian Ording is a senior studying journalism and copy chief of The Post.
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It wouldn’t be Ohio University without the brick-laden roads, the dozens of burrito vendors and that one person you hook up with every now and then. These are the things you can count on. Disturbing that holy order — namely by stepping off this campus — can seem somewhat counterproductive. Will the bricks still be there when you return? What happens to the burritos when you’re not there to eat them? Who will you make out with next fall?
It can seem like a safe bet just to assume that you’ll have one reliable make-out partner for four straight years in a row. That is not so. It can also seem like you’re obligated to keep up with them over the summer to see where they’re at in life and remind them that you still exist and like their mouth. Also, not so.
Save yourself the burden and call it quits in a way that lets them know things were never that serious to begin with.
Start by not meeting them in person. They probably correlate the few times you’ve met in person with activities you’re no longer willing to pursue. Try something obscure like Catmail or AIM. Be ready to say something as forward as, “I won’t be talking to you this summer, probably,” or “Isn’t this weird that I’m emailing you? Lol. We should hook up with other people.” Problem solved! Your mouth is free to feel apathetic about another and there are no hard feelings between you and your … human friend you occasionally make sex with.
If you want some mild attachment with that human guaranteed for next fall, first understand that there’s no such thing as guaranteed sex. People’s hearts and desires change over the course of three months, and your desires probably didn’t rest solely with them in the first place. You are more than allowed to say, “Maybe we could reconnect again in the fall?” or “I’ll text you, eventually.” But let’s be real — you probably won’t. On the bright side, so much more time left over to start studying for finals!
Emma Ockerman is a sophomore studying journalism and local editor of The Post.
