A drunken man was found ordering a Chipotle Ranch Burrito from Big Mama’s Burritos, 10 S. Court Street, at approximately 9:15 last night.
Scott Hockhauser, a third-year philosophy student, who according to professors and classmates has been missing class lately, ordered his burrito with extra cheese before tackling some of the most important questions of our time.
“Why are there Goldfish in my pocket?” he said, pulling out a handful of the Nabisco crackers from his jeans. “And what the heck is ‘chorizo.’ This menu says chorizo on it. I don’t even know what that is.”
Hockhauser continued his existential discourse after taking a seat at one of the stools on the side of the restaurant.
“This burrito is the best thing in the universe,” he said. “It’s like, I don’t even know. I could marry this burrito. I been dranking.
“Some people might say that it’s pointless to love burritos because they’re just going to leave you eventually anyway,” he continued. “But it’s like, no. Like, if I love this burrito then I should just love it. I think Plato said that.”
By the time he was halfway through the burrito he started looking a little sickly, but he refused to stop eating.
“My stomach hurts,” he said, taking another bite. “But, like, I always come here. It’s like, I’m faithful, you know? Maybe some people like Chipotle or Burrito Buggy. Maybe Chipotle has better steak. Maybe the Burrito Buggy is studying to go to law school and works out more than I do. But that doesn’t mean anything. Jenny, come back to me.”
He then launched into a one-man, a cappella rendition of Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” to his burrito.
“A part of me feels bad for the guy, you know,” said Jack Banner, an employee at Big Mama’s. “I mean, it’s not even 9:30 yet on a Monday night. I feel like this guy really needs to reassess his life and get it together. This isn’t a good situation for anyone. I mean, he gives the restaurant a lot of business, but other than that...”
This isn’t the first instance in which a drunken person has analyzed important philosophical issues on a late-night food run. Last week, Sarah Harcourt, junior, made her way into Wendy’s, 40 S. Court St., where she solved the issue of human contentment.
“I just feel like spicy chicken tenders are all I need to be happy,” she said. “If we all just ate spicy chicken tenders all the time and didn’t worry about everything, that would be like, I don’t even know. Just think about how great that would be.”
