In a very special edition of BedPest, Kristin and Ian, after some soul-searching, have meaningful things to say.
Dear reader,
After more than a year of dispensing advice to you about topics from anal sex to sexting your ex, I have something to say: I’m sorry. I’ve been leading you astray. Little did I know that by being sex-positive, non-slut-shaming and encouraging you to have sex freely, I was leading you down a path of loneliness and self-destruction.
I’ve read the Princeton Mom’s book Marry Smart and realized that I’ve been encouraging you to be sexually loose, morally ambiguous future spinsters who are destined to die alone. While encouraging you to bone that cute honey who bought you a hot nut that one time, I’ve been skewing your priorities, but that ends now.
Now, I will only preach the gospel of the Princeton Mom. Do yourself a favor, dear reader, stop studying right now; stop playing Candy Crush and stop whacking it. Good. Paying attention? Now, go to Ebay and buy yourself a chastity belt. Then, skip out on cramming for that Econ exam — as a matter of fact, DO NOT open your books again — and go to the store. Buy a cardboard sign and markers. Make a sign that says “Future Housewife” and wait for the eligible bachelors to pour on in. Unless you’re a man. Then, make sure you’re not failing your classes and keep your eyes peeled for all the desperate ladies who will obviously be fighting over you.
If no one has picked you up with your sign then you’re probably doing it wrong and/or are ugly and definitely going to die alone. If you have a graduation cap and no ring, well, you’re S.O.L. and you should feel VERY bad about it. Be sure to buy your litter in bulk, stupid, sad cat lady.
Moral of the story is: Please ignore the crazy feminazis when they try to tell you “knowledge is power” and “you can have safe sex and not be a whore” or “the female body doesn’t have ways to shut down rape.” They’re just jealous and smelly.
Kristin is a best friend studying love and Tina Fey. She is secretly a Kardashian.
While listening to Creed and watching a report on sexuality on HLN I had an epiphany: I have been leading you readers astray for months.
I take back everything I’ve said in regards to supporting any sexual contact with others; I have been wrong to speak positively about any of it.
Nancy Grace illuminated some eye-opening statistics on pre-marital sex. She said 92 percent of couples who engage in any sexual activity not only disappoint their parents, but also run the risk of catching diseases ranging from the common cold to strep throat.
This is a terrifying revelation in the world of coitus.
I decided to do some research of my own. According to data I have created, anywhere between 60 and 80 percent of sex isn’t that good. Holy cow. Why are so many people risking developing sinus infections for lame bouts of doing it?
I now see it just isn’t worth it. There is only risk in this disgusting act. There’s a reason the government says you can’t do it in public: it’s for our protection.
So I implore you, Bobcats: Keep it in your collective pants. Nancy Grace knows what she’s talking about. Follow her lead and don’t get laid. Ever. She doesn’t, so why should you?
Ian wears yellow shirts, has a Twitter and is enjoyable to talk with.
Think conversing about sexual relations is nifty? Congrats.
This article originally appeared in print under the headline "Ignore all previous sex advice"
