I
n light of the fact that my upcoming week is going to be devoted to films at the festival that are either in subtitles or people never heard of or both, I’ve decided to take this time to write about something that has been on the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks.
Quite frankly, I never got the fixation on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even as a kid, I always thought that they were kind of stupid, and this is the same kid who thought Kangaroo Jack was a cool movie.
But, more so than something like, say, Transformers, I was able to appreciate their goofy, laid-back mentality. I understood that the show, at least, was never, ever taking itself too seriously and, on that level, I could respect it. I mean, let’s just break that title down for a minute. Teenage. Mutant. Ninja. Turtles. Anyone who genuinely believes that something with that title should be taken with a straight face is either below the age of 8-years-old or needs to have his head examined.
So, when word came out that they were going to make a new movie with producer Michael Bay, I could understand the natural outrage from the blogosphere. But, quite frankly, I didn’t really care. A part of my childhood wasn’t going to be ruined — thankfully.
But, when the trailer came out, I grew invested, but not for the reason that the filmmakers intended — I think. For those of you who didn’t watch the trailer (and don’t kid yourself, you didn’t really miss anything) there is a scene where orange bandana turtle is standing in front of human mannequin Megan Fox, who is supposed to be expressing the human emotion known as shock, and tries to calm her down by saying “Whoa, whoa, whoa, it’s just a mask. See?” Then he proceeds to take off said mask, only to reveal one of the creepiest things I have ever seen this side of sobriety.
Although the faces of the characters on the show were naturally, as one would figure, turtle-like, these faces were decidedly not. Rather, they were some mutant (well, I give them credit for living up to the title!) off-bred of a human and said turtle. What resulted is something that has a human nose and human lips, and, I guess, human eyes too, but with the facial structure of a turtle.
Something that is meant for kids below the double-digit age is now going to be in my nightmares for the next two months. Thanks, Bay!
Now, I can, obviously, understand what logic went into making these things a reality. But what I can’t understand is how one person went to another person and said, “Look, I put together the design for the new turtles. Check them out!” Then that second person looked at them and, not only didn’t throw up in the nearest garbage can, but proceeded to tell the first guy, “That looks great. Send it to Bay!”
So, congratulations to Paramount Studios and the entire cast and crew of the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. You completed your task: You got me interested in your movie. But, not quite for the reason I think you intended.
Or, maybe this is what they were thinking in their sick, twisted minds. I mean, this is coming from the same guy who thought giant robot testicles and racist wigger autobots deserved to be seen by the children of the United States. So maybe this is his way of bringing audiences together: by disturbing them with images so twisted that they don’t feel bad about checking out Bay’s R-rated movies when they are adults.
Now, if you need me, I will be hiding in my room, hoping the giant turtle-humans don’t come out of my closet again.
Will Ashton is a junior studying journalism and a columnist for
The Post.
Did the new TMNT images give you nightmares too? Email Will about it at wa054010@ohiou.edu.
