It’s Monstars vs. Toon Squad, the single-greatest rivalry in all of fictional basketball. Michael Jordan has the ball at midcourt off a dish from Bill Murray. Jordan dribbles, takes two steps and launches off Zilch’s head toward the basket. He can’t dunk from half court, right? Wrong. Jordan’s arm extends magically to the length of the basket and dunks the ball. Shot made, Toon Squad wins.
In perhaps the most treasured and unrealistic ending to a sports movie ever, Space Jam has been relished in the hearts of millennials as one of the defining sports films of the 1990s, with movies such as Cool Runnings, Rookie of the Year and The Mighty Ducks nearing the top.
For too long, my VHS copy of Space Jam has been collecting dust. Post Space Jam Stress Disorder is a fictional condition many have to face each day, knowing that there will never be a film quite like it.
I have some great news for you.
Recently, a rumor began that LeBron James would head a Space Jam sequel. In an interview with The Palm Beach Post, James addressed the issue.
“I haven’t heard anything about it,” James said. “Like I said, I’ve always loved Space Jam. It was one of my favorite movies growing up. If I have the opportunity, it’d be great. But that’s news to me.”
So although he said he has yet to be approached about such an offer, James has made it clear he would take a starring role in a Space Jam sequel. In order to make sure the film’s production begins as soon as possible, I have taken the liberty of writing the first scene of Space Jam: Deuxing It Big (that’s the title I settled on).
INT. CLEVELAND CAVALIERS’ LOCKER ROOM. DAY.
We join LEBRON JAMES, who is watching the original Space Jam on his tablet as he prepares for game time. He finishes the movie and the credits start to roll. James’ eyes are watering and a slight tear drips from his eye. He wipes it away immediately. BILL MURRAY walks into the locker room and walks toward Lebron.
LEBRON JAMES
Oh hey, Bill. Man, what I would’ve done to be in Space Jam. I mean, I’m back with the Cavs, I’m back in my hometown — a Space Jam sequel would make my life perfect.
BILL MURRAY
Yeah, it was a great time. Free Toon Squad gear, unlimited amounts of “Michael’s Secret Stuff” on set — you were born in the wrong era, buddy.
LEBRON JAMES
You can say that again. Well, I have to finish getting ready, Bill. I’ll see you after the game.
[Exit BILL MURRAY]
Lebron puts on his jersey and adjusts his headband. As he goes to slip on his shoes, DAFFY DUCK and BUGS BUNNY burst out of the left and right shoes.
BUGS BUNNY
Hey, what’s up, doc?
DAFFY DUCK
(Points to LeBron) It’s the chosen one! Bugs, we have to take him with us at once! You’re coming with us, King James!
The two characters take Lebron into a portal that is located in the shoes. Lebron hears faint screaming as he joins the Looney Toons’ characters on what will be a wild ride of a movie.
TITLE scrolls across the screen.
Colin Hanner is a junior studying journalism. Do you have a Space Jam sequel fantasy? Of course you do. Email Colin your manuscript at ch115710@ohiou.edu.
