There are several important facets of law and order that we cherish dearly in America, like the plan of our nation’s founders that, regardless of vast shifts in societal norms and political culture over hundreds of years, is still completely relevant. We also hold true that communism is bad, democracy is good and the most effective way to deter crime and maintain a healthy society is to assign random ages of legality to various life activities.
This just in, the whole “age is just a number” thing only applies to countries with 12-year-old child brides and toddler seamstresses. This is ’Merica, and age means everything, because only in America do you get to celebrate a milestone on almost every birthday.
Hooray! You are now:
16 — You’re now somehow old enough to operate a motor vehicle.
17 — Driving a car is some tough business, but it pales in comparison to seeing a rated-R movie until you turn 17 and you’re mature enough to hear the f-word and see full-frontal nudity without going off the deep end; things you have definitely never experienced previously.
18 — Research has shown us that at this age, you can now smoke (it suddenly becomes less dangerous), die in a war regardless of its relevance, purchase lottery tickets, defy your parents and purchase spray paint! There’s a long list for this one, but also know that at this age they have decided that you’re mature enough to vote, because everyone who is at least 18 would never vote for issues they aren’t familiar with or for candidates who are just more attractive!
19 — In many states, you can take booze to a table, but you certainly can’t open up the bottle and pour it, you silly child. You could hurt yourself!
20 — Tough luck. Enjoy trying to get into that bar with your cool older cousin’s ID.
21 — Oh, the joy: Alcohol, child adoption and casino admittance! These are three things that are far more dangerous than fighting in the Vietnam War … just trust science!
25 — At this age, it is much easier and cheaper to rent a car because of insurance rates. The day you turn 25, you suddenly have less of an inclination to drive over the speed limit, roll through stop signs and go left of center. I’ll be honest, instead of “the day you turn 25,” I wanted to say “until you turn 70,” but hey, I don’t make the rules!
Yes, in this country built upon logic and democratic principles, we have very accurate ideas about age and appropriateness, especially when thought up by the incredibly large variety of people with a multitude of different backgrounds and expertise that we call Congress.
OK, so maybe “variety,” “different backgrounds” and “expertise” were a bit exaggerated — big deal.
I just read an article in The Washington Post in which the author calls for Congress to bump up the age of legal porn participation to 21 after the former Miss Delaware Teen USA was “disgraced” by the adult video she made after turning 18.
Like all arguments made by people of parenting age, Kim Kardashian was blamed at some point. Somehow there was no mention of putting the blame on Call of Duty or “that darn Internet” this time, but maybe they just didn’t have space.
Apparently when you’re 18-21, the extreme stress, trauma and danger that ensues from being a deployed soldier has nothing on playing nurse on camera.
Let’s face it, folks — in America, violence and death is rated E for everyone, but sex is just plain icky.
Jackie Runion is a junior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. What was your favorite birthday milestone? Email Jackie at jr178409@ohiou.edu.
