I was bullied in school. From girls calling me fat to guys playing with my emotions and to an emotionally abusive friendship.
I always felt the need to guard my heart from those who had the potential to hurt me. I’ve had people who mocked me with racial slurs. I’ve had girls who have physically tried to start fights with me. I slowly grew more scared of what people thought of me and grew to fear every single person who came into my life. I grew insecure and I still struggle to cope with childhood bullying.
Every painful memory came at a price. I turned into a coward who feared living my life. I wanted to hold grudges and those grudges stayed with me for many years. Actually, they’ve stayed with me up until now. Their words were tattooed onto my heart and left scars. I eventually developed depression and grew anxious in public.
I think about my past and all the anger I’ve felt from being bullied and humiliated during school. The hours of loathing completely consumed my every happy thought. I did not want to forgive, nor did I want to accept their apologies. Instead, I’ve grown to be bitter toward those who have hurt me. I wanted justice.
I did not want to be merciful.
When you speak to people who bullied you, do you have an urge to just say something to hurt them as much as possible? Do you want them to hurt as much as they’ve hurt you? Words are a powerful responsibility, and we have to be careful with what we say and how we say it. Words are like weapons of mass destruction if anger is fueling them.
I thought about the moment when I saw the person who had relentlessly bullied me. At first, I felt shock and, eventually, anger bubbled beneath the surface. I was tempted to say something hurtful. I was about to say something horrible … until I found myself fearing the worst: I could potentially become a bully myself.
I try to live by my personal mantra: “Words from anger are never words from the heart.”
We are responsible for the words we say, even the words that we say out of spite. The consequences that can come from words could lead to future awkwardness, discontent and even, to an extreme degree, violence. Once you say it, it can’t be taken back.
I did not want hateful actions to reflect the inner character of my heart. I did not want to show this person that I am a product of bullying. I ended up forgiving him for everything that he did to me in grade school. I am ready to start living my life on my own accord.
Others would say it takes great strength to get over something like bullying, but it takes greater strength to forgive someone who has hurt you.
I am not afraid anymore.
Hannah Yang is a reporter for The Post. Email her at hy135010@ohiou.edu.
