In Chinese, the word “nation” (guo jia) includes “country” (guo) and “family” (jia). For us, the country is a big family that consists of many small families. The well-being of these small families is affected by the conditions of the big one. Conversely, the small families also affect the big one, especially through their fundamental parenting ideas.
Almost two years ago, Yale Law professor Amy Chua’s book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, ignited a worldwide debate on traditional Chinese parenting skills. I don’t know much about her two daughters beyond their straight-A transcripts and musical-instrument awards. But if they still bear two healthy perspectives toward life, I’d say that’s not the sole inevitable result of Chua’s parenting — their father and their American educational environment may have acted to check and balance Chua’s extremism.?
In fact, lots of Chinese children in mainland China are not growing healthily.
Either out of protection or to maintain authority, most Chinese parents draw clear boundaries for their children. A deeply rooted tradition of respect for elders makes parents more inclined to believe that their children cannot make correct decisions.
They thought it would be easier to choose for their children, but this is not the case.
Some kids turn out to be very obedient. Some are drawn to the other extreme and always act in opposition of their parents. And the rest — the majority — think that if they don’t get caught, they can do whatever they want.
What they all have in common is that their ability to reason or to think critically is underdeveloped.
When Chinese parents sense a bit of misbehavior from their children, they are paranoid of losing absolute authority. To maintain a perfect image — or “the face” (mian zi) in Chinese — some parents will lie to cover up their own mistakes, even a simple misspelling. Eventually, their children find out, and it leaves the impression that parents are free to do anything.
Under such a double standard, the children are disdainful toward the power of their parents while being jealous of the freedom under such power. And human beings are pro-freedom by nature, so the kids become pro-authority. They hope that once they climb to a similar position, they will be free and even abuse the power against those on the lower level.
Like Dr. Reid in Criminal Minds said, “The abused has become the abuser.”
If a great number of Chinese young people grow up in such families and maintain such notions, then once they become teachers in kindergartens, head students of classes and presidents of student bodies, they will be perpetuating the power-crazy adult standard under the cover of obedient faces.
Then the sickness of a society emerges: Everybody is reluctant to give up power; everybody envies powerful people; everybody is not somebody who can take over power, so everybody curses the power. Beyond the sour grapes are the oppression of humanity and the distortion of freedom.
It’s the remnant from more than 2,000 years of feudalism.
Although Chua accused American parents of “not doing their job” and of always putting the children’s self-esteem as paramount, some of my American friends have benefited a lot from their parents’ seemingly looser method of education, such as never directly saying not to smoke pot or drink heavily, but instead explaining the results of each choice and leaving it to the children to decide.
It is a rarity for anyone to choose a disadvantaged path. Without the distraction of a rebellious mentality, the ability to think independently and choose reasonably is provoked. And children are more likely to make better decisions.
That’s why I would always encourage Chinese students to get out of their comfort zones and to learn from their American peers. And I hope American students would make the effort to break some stereotypes and understand the cultural roots of a very different set of behaviors.
Bingxin Sophia Huang is a master’s student at Ohio University who is studying at the University of Leipzig this semester and a columnist for The Post. Send her your thoughts at bh586611@ohiou.edu.
