Gov. Mitt Romney needs to kill something on the federal budget for his election.
And, as you have all undoubtedly heard by now, he’s decided to go after Big Bird’s feathery yellow neck.
You know the depravity of politics is too much when one of your presidential candidates is willing to murder a cuddly condor that rides a unicycle around. I mean, it’s bad enough to kill a condor. It’s even worse when unicycles are involved.
It seems self-evident now that Romney has indeed proved himself to be a robot and not a human. Getting rid of Big Bird is just wrong, right?
But some hidden facts suggest another side to the “down-with-Big-Bird” equation. Getting rid of Big Bird may, in fact, be a justifiable move.
Why? Because Big Bird is actually a serial turkey murderer.
You see, Big Bird’s costume is made exclusively from turkey tail feathers. But not just any turkey tail feathers. Sesame Street orders all of its feathers from a company called “American & Fancy Feather.”
The company’s owner, Anthony Trento, refers to Big Bird as the company’s “toughest customer,” saying that 90 percent of all the turkey tail feathers sent over are rejected. Obviously, some turkey tail feathers are just better than others.
One Big Bird costume, which is remade after every few shows, requires more than 4,000 turkey tail feathers.
One turkey generally has only 18 tail feathers.
Thus, since 90 percent of feathers are rejected, and 4,000 turkey feathers are required for one single costume, more than 40,000 feathers are obtained and examined for Big Bird’s costume. And if one turkey has only 18 tail feathers, then exactly 2,223 turkeys have to be killed just to clothe one Big Bird.
Two thousand, two hundred and twenty three turkeys. Two thousand, two hundred and twenty three murdered turkeys. Then Big Bird takes one tenth of their feathers to use as his suit.
Anyone else thinking Silence of the Lambs?
Even more alarming is the fact that Big Bird then prances around on national television, displaying the carnage to children around the country learning their ABCs.
Think about it. By the logical reasoning of conspiracy theorists, this must be America promoting violence against turkeys through subliminal messaging.
So the fact that Romney is promising to cut Big Bird doesn’t show he’s inhumane. Instead, it makes him the avenger of the turkeys killed in the past and the savior of the turkeys of the future.
“The Avenger and Savior of the Turkeys.” There you have it, by far the most promising and solid reason for electing Romney. Folks, Romney is a man with a plan. The fact that he’s willing to take the fight to Big Bird, the turkey killer, more than demonstrates his viability as a president.
The Big Bird costume is a large, full-body suit worn by the puppeteer, and it presents several difficult challenges. The suit weighs more than 10 pounds, with the head itself weighing more than four pounds.
Plus, the puppeteer isn’t able to see from inside the Big Bird costume. In order to solve this problem, the designers of the set placed a video camera inside the suit that shows the puppeteer his surroundings outside of Big Bird’s insides. The camera is strapped around the puppeteer’s chest and is imaginatively called “the electronic bra.”
Occasionally, when the puppeteer is performing on location and a camera can’t be used, the technicians are forced to drill a small hole in Big Bird’s chest to allow the puppeteer to peek out. For scenes in which this happens, Big Bird wears a tie to cover up the hole on his chest.
And all the times I saw Big Bird wearing a tie, I thought he was just dressing up. In actuality, underneath his tie is a giant gaping hole with a puppeteer’s eye looking through it. Think about what kinds of nightmares Sesame Street could have caused if the tie had fallen to the side for even one moment, and exposed children to such a horrendous sight.
At any rate, if Romney does indeed get elected and fire Big Bird, at least we can be comforted by the fact that Big Bird is on the overweight side in terms of costumes. Maybe he can still get a job on Biggest Loser burning off some of those 10 pounds.
Kevin Hwang is a senior at Athens High School who is taking classes at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. Is Big Bird a bastion of immorality? Email Kevin at kh319910@ohiou.edu.
