Miami University sucks. That isn't a statement of opinion - that is a scientific fact.
Take Oxford, Ohio, the earthly site of that university. Oxford sucks. You know what's a fun thing to do in Oxford? Leave. We don't want there to be any mistake that we're insulting the town, so let's be honest about what we're looking at here: eight dozen brick buildings in the middle of a cornfield. From there, the Miami equation is simple enough. Pull 15,000 teenagers out of their local Sunglass Hut, toss in a porn shop a few miles down the road and call it a day. The result is the kind of thing you wouldn't want your mother to see because it's just too dirty. Something like the hellish product of a one-night stand between Old MacDonald and Paris Hilton.
Want to get acquainted with the Miami Boy Experience? Throw on some Brooks Brothers and your upside-down visor and get ready to keg-stand for the next three hours straight. By midnight you'll be ready to stumble out, maybe crash your Escalade into a drainage ditch and possibly even take a swing at a cop.
And sorry, boys. We know you're at least making an attempt to appear presentable, but Neutrogena was never meant to be used by men, no matter what you heard during The O.C. commercial breaks. Ask an OU man - he doesn't even know what conditioner is.
Then there are the legendary Miami girls. We could rag on them easily enough, but we won't. Those girls already have it hard enough, what with Miami boys chasing them, and books not making sense to them.
Even Miami's student groups suck. Such as the Miami University Radical Student Alliance. Upon hearing the name, you might imagine this is something awesome, like an alliance of students who drink liquor and swordfight on skateboards. You'd be wrong. This is just Miami's Students for A Democratic Society group. Yeah - we know even ascot-wearing dandies want to feel edgy once in a while, but what's with the name? This group is about as radical as spending spring break in your family's stable, slowly brushing knots out of a horse's mane while you deliberate whether or not your body might be the Wonderland John Mayer is crooning about through your iPod headphones.
Of course, if you go to Miami, this is probably a deeply familiar scenario.
Looking back into Miami's history is an uncomfortable experience. It's like looking through your neighbor's family photo album and learning that his great grandfather was - literally - a Nazi. It's no secret Miami's founders originally called themselves the Redskins, and even drew up a tasteless, feather-headed American Indian stereotype for a mascot. It wasn't until nearly two decades of thinly-veiled racism had elapsed that somebody finally called them out on it.
They eventually settled on RedHawk
which, it turns out, isn't even a real animal. It's easy to imagine they arrived at the name by asking third graders to write down their favorite animal and color and then drew words out of a hat.The whole thing actually came about because they needed to find a new way to use hats that wouldn't muss their perfectly tousled hair.
Anyway, do they really think they can get off the hook that easily? Who do they think they are, the PC police?
If there's one thing Miami got right, it's Green Beer Day. If they want to dress in OU colors and vomit into uptown urinals at 5:30 in the morning, who are we to stop them? We can't help it if everyone's catching green fever. Green Beer Day is like the college equivalent of a 24-hour, beer-induced Freudian slip, and the message is clear: OU rules. Miami sucks.
Editorials represent the views of The Post's executive editors. 4
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