It looks as if Taco Bell went off to finishing school and came back all grown up as a Chipotle.
Using the free sample technique perfected by crack dealers, the burrito giant will be giving away its giant burritos for free this Thursday.
But this ain't a Sunday stroll through the supermarket for free samples. The rumor around town is that upward of 1,000 people have already signed a petition pledging they would camp out the night before the giveaway. Countless more plan on clogging Court Street and their arteries on Thursday.
This is where we live up to that Land of the Free
Home of the Brave malarkey Francis Scott Key was jabberin' on about.
With temperatures expected to dip into the 30s, Court Street will turn into a regular Valley Forge. Add all the strange diseases contracted during spring break to the mix and we may lose a good 15 percent to sickness as General Washington did.
Now, a thousand campers sounds impressive, but it is nowhere near the record for the largest Chipotle opening ever. The conspicuous consumers at the University of California at Los Angeles scored 5,000 burritos on their free burrito day.
Are we going to let some popped-collar, hair-gellin' surf jockeys outdo us? With all the emphasis on image on the West Coast, I doubt 5,000 were fully digested. But while the sunbathing California girls spend valuable time hunched over the porcelain god, a huge burrito is but a warm-up for hearty Athenian stomachs. As everyone knows, the more you eat, the more American you are.
Ohio University has been in the news for too many negative news stories while I have attended this misunderstood college. Sports cuts, the plagiarism scandal, budget deficits, growing disappointment with Roderick Rowdy Roddy McDavis, RIAA lawsuits, union layoffs that coincide with administrative staff hiring, increasing tuition, rougher penalties for drinking alcohol or smoking marijuana, computer security vulnerabilities and I heard a young man even wrote an extremely racist article in the school paper Fall Quarter.
It's time OU got back on track. But we have to be realistic about things here. I mean, students could buckle down, improve their grades and earn the university great academic renown. But that takes time and Spring Quarter is more about lying around and getting a tan than laying the foundation for academic respect.
Besides, OU has a party reputation to uphold. Traditionally we are the kids who work hard but play harder. Holding the title of burrito-scarfing champions would feed the true Ohio University legend. If we succeed, people will talk about the burrito giveaway as reverently as today's students speak of the Time Change Riots or the early days of Halloween.
Bring our college back to the spotlight for something good for a change. We can be the champions of cilantro, the greatest of the guacamole eaters ' but most importantly, the redeemers of this misled university's image.Chris Yonker is a senior journalism major. E-mail him your order at cy129904@ohiou.edu.
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