A martini ain't a martini unless you can see straight through it. That's right, people. Vodka or gin plus vermouth. That's it. No exceptions. The only reason your martini should be anything but clear is if it is dirty.
The martini, long a symbol of elegance and success, has been sold out - violated. The sell-outs: fruit-infused, candy-like concoctions disguised as martinis.
The martini historically has never been a cop-out cocktail. It was never intended to be pink, blue or chocolate. Neither citrusy, nor sugary.
The martini is dry. It is classy, not flamboyant.
Four of my favorite ladies started this terrible trend that punked the martini from its throne. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, sexy in the city, endorsed the cosmopolitan as the it drink years ago.
And since then, the world has become deluged with funky renditions of the cosmo. The offense is that these new cocktails are pretending to be martinis by abusing the precious suffix - the tini.
There is the green apple-tini, the cran-tini, the blue-tini. Those drinks are for the weak. Men can't even drink them without jeopardizing their masculinity. Blue Curacao and sugar rims were not intended for martini glasses.
But for the grown and sexy, there is still the option of a classic martini: the one favored by presidents, journalists and politicians. And the one with less than one gram of carbs!
It is said that John D. Rockefeller was served the first martini in 1910. After him, Ernest Hemingway, Winston Churchill and Frank Sinatra were well-known connoisseurs. James Bond liked his shaken, not stirred, and Franklin D. Roosevelt was rumored to have consumed eight to ten 'tinis a day!
Now, we all know that Athens is far from cosmopolitan. If you order a martini from a bar on Court Street you can bet that it will probably be served to you in a plastic cup. This is highly disrespectful - as bad as being served cold merlot.
The martini glass itself is half of the experience.
But don't lose hope. Athens is not forever. With God's grace you will soon graduate and snag a job in a martini-friendly city like New York, Chicago, Miami or Los Angeles. Maybe even Atlanta or D.C. And you must be prepared to order with confidence and class.
First, choosing the right liquor is essential. At its birth, the martini was made with gin. Today, the drinking public leans toward vodka. Perfectly fine. But whether you prefer gin or vodka, you have to order the right label.
Choose a reputable, well-distilled vodka. You can't go wrong with Russian Stolichnaya, or buy American with Grey Goose, which is distilled and bottled in France but 100 percent American owned. For gin drinkers, stick with Tanqueray or Bombay.
After selecting a fine spirit, you can personalize your vodka or gin martini with a number of classic garnishes like olives, onions, lemon or lime twists. Olives are signature. Three of them in any martini is perfect, hence a vodka named Three Olives. And a little olive juice in any martini will make it dirty, but very tasty!
Olives can be spiced up when stuffed with anchovies or - my favorite - gorgonzola cheese.
Although I have seen many a bartender add cherries to martinis, don't do it. We are not aiming for color or sweetness here.
So I have ranted about how the martini has been royally sold-out by our new pop-culture that values flash over class. It might seem to be a light topic, but it hints at other serious societal problems.
Next week, back to the hard issues.
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Meghan Crosby
