As a new year begins, almost everyone makes a list of New Year's resolutions: goals they hope to accomplish throughout the year to somehow better their lives. In the history of the universe, nobody has ever stuck to any of his or her resolutions in any way. Even with a simple resolution like I want to eat less fat
the resoluter fails miserably, and in eight out of 10 instances, this person actually eats more fat. A lot more. Although there is no scientific answer as to why New Year's resolutions are always a bust, the widely accepted explanation is Communism.
On that note of setting reasonable goals only to be cheated in the end by pinko commies, here are a few practical guidelines one should follow when looking to buy a new Ferrari.
The first step when deciding to buy your new Ferrari is to find a Ferrari dealership. As none exist within a 300-mile radius of your mansion, you will have to take a short trip in your Mercedes to the nearest dealer.
Once this first step is completed, the next consideration is attire. Ferrari sales associates are the most superficial creatures this side of California, and they are trained to judge customers on appearance alone. If they smell a skunk, or what they call a person with not enough money for a Ferrari they will not hesitate to politely ask you to leave. It will take a lot more than jeans and a T-shirt to convince a wily Ferrari salesperson you're for real. Try adding a silk scarf to the ensemble - red with orange paisley design will bring out your eyes (if your eyes are red or orange).
Remember that it's hard to drive a high performance sports car in flip flops, so you'll want to wear a comfortable leather shoe with nice grip. Ladies, avoid heels and open-toed shoes. On a side note, the Ferrari is a foreign car, so be sure to drive it on the left side of the road.
Proper grooming also is very important. A nice, close shave will keep you looking professional, and a bright smile says, I mean business but I also can have a good time sometimes when I'm not too busy taking care of business
so don't forget to floss. If you are a male who feels uncomfortable plucking your eyebrows, try shaving them off completely. It really opens up the forehead for that clean, burn-victim look all the girls love.
The final preparatory step is ensuring an attractive odor. If you are already a fragrance wearer, then triple your normal dosage. If you are new to the game, put on as much cologne as humanly possible without passing out. It might take several trials to find the right amount. Don't worry if you can't afford a high priced scent like Chanel No. 5 or Stetson, as any fruit juice will work in a pinch. But be careful; red and purple can really stain.
Once you have mastered the Ferrari-buying look and arrive at the lot, the dance begins. A Ferrari dealership is not like an auto mega mall where swarms of eager salesmen descend upon every car the instant it enters the gates. In fact, according to the Ferrari salesmanship handbook, their associates are trained to ignore prospective buyers until they address the salesperson in a louder-than-usual indoor voice
using a distinct Brahmin accent. When addressing the salespeople, be sure to look them in the eye to trick them into thinking you are an equal. Also, take it easy on the profanity, as many Ferrari sales associates were raised in Amish communities.
If you have followed this simple plan, by the time you reach the point where you speak to a sales associate, you will already have been revealed as a fraud, and forcible removal from the premises will quickly ensue. As you are dragged, kicking and screaming, by the red and orange paisley scarf tied around your neck, stinking to high heaven of V8 Splash cologne, remember this: You have failed in your New Year's resolution to buy a Ferrari - as you have in all other resolutions - because of Communism.
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Josh Sterns
