They say, Nothing ventured
nothing gained. After all, you have to go for what you want in life - and in bed.
If you're not getting the sexual experience you want, it's inevitable you'll be unhappy. But sometimes, to get what you want, you have to ask.
No one benefits when one partner won't speak up. If you don't ask for what you want, you end up sexually frustrated and bitter, your partner is left feeling bewildered and inadequate, and your relationship, whatever it is, heads straight down the proverbial crapper.
Between the two of us, we've spent more than our share of cold, lonely nights pouting after an unfulfilling sexual experience. But then again - we didn't ask for what we would have needed to take us over the top. As much as we love them, our partners, and yours, aren't mind readers. Unless you're dating Miss Cleo, you can't expect them to magically know what you're thinking.
Moreover, you have to be clear and direct. In the throes of passion, one of us got this request from her boyfriend: Hey remember that time you did that thing that felt really good? Mmm do that again!
Whaaaaa??? She immediately stopped what she was doing and furrowed her brow. He just stared sheepishly with his pants around his ankles. She had no idea what in God's name he was asking for, and he didn't help by not elaborating.
The boyfriend was embarrassed to say what he wanted, so the message came out muddled. Needless to say, he didn't get 'that thing that felt really good.'
The key is getting comfortable enough with your significant other to ask for what you need. We think that if you're comfortable enough to be naked with someone (or at least to remove important items of clothing), you should be comfortable enough to say, Hey
could you please (insert sexual activity here)? (By the way, no pun intended by 'insert.').
Our advice is two-pronged. First, start small. Ask for little things you're sure to get before putting yourself out there and facing rejection. For example, say, Kiss my neck
please before you move on to actions that take place below the belt.
Second, try avoiding direct demands. Say I liked it when you nibbled my earlobe
and see what happens. But if you see no results, you're going to have to be more direct.
If you still feel shy or embarrassed, try this trick: Don't make eye contact. If you look down before making your request, you won't feel threatened by your partner's gaze. Also, you can play it off as being coy or cute - and if you're really talented and you look up at just the right moment, you'll come off as really sexy as well.
Of course, you have to make sure your requests come at the appropriate time. One of us was necking with an ex one summer evening when she asked what he wanted, alluding to their relationship. His response? I want you to go down on me. As it turned out, that was all he wanted out of the relationship. So, he spent the rest of the night alone.
But then, a night alone wasn't anything new for this astoundingly subtle young man, and it showed they weren't on the same page. So he didn't really lose anything by asking. And neither will you.
They say, Nothing ventured
nothing gained.
'They' must have very satisfying sex lives.
twototango@excite.com.
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